Parenting a spirited child best strategies

Best Strategies for Parenting a Spirited Child

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My three-year-old son and four-year-old daughter are beautiful, dynamic souls. When I take a step back and reflect on their personalities, or when I see them do something for the first time, I genuinely see their potential as boundless. They are wonderful, heartfelt, affectionate little people. That said, there are times where I wonder if both of them are trying to reenact a scene from Lord of the Flies. Really. The sibling rivalry, the crying, the blood-curdling screams of, “No!” as I try to do something banal like change them out of their pajamas are all common occurrences in our household. There’s no denying, my two little ones are anything but placid. They are strong-willed, outspoken, and challenging. Of the two, my daughter is definitely the most spirited. While all toddlers exhibit a desire for autonomy, spirited children tend to be incredibly forthright, have particularly strong feelings and can seem like they are on an emotional rollercoaster. In fact, their parents often feel like they’re along for the ride too.

Parenting, as is, is such an all-encompassing, demanding, and worthwhile endeavour. Parenting a child who is headstrong, vivacious, and very sensitive is definitely more challenging and, in many ways, more worthwhile. According to WebMD, one in ten children can be classified as ‘spirited’. These incredible little souls don’t accept instruction at face value and feel a plethora of big emotions both for themselves and for others. Though they keep any parent on their toes, spirited children undoubtedly will make for some of the most successful adults. Because of their unwillingness to conform for the sake of obedience, critical thought, and empathy, spirited children have the capacity to be incredible leaders. But how do you get from point A (the willfulness and big feelings) to successfully raised adults with your sanity intact? And how can you parent these lively children while preserving their spirit? Based on my experience and some research, here are the best strategies I’ve found for parenting a spirited child.

 

Strategies For Parenting A Spirited Child

Parenting a spirited child is anything but easy. It can be incredibly worthwhile though. Using these research-based positive parenting strategies you can effectively parent your strong-willed child while maintaining their spirit.

 

Establish a routine and stick to it. This doesn’t mean have a regimented schedule. Really, so much of the joy of having kids is living in the moment. That said, having a predictable rhythm to your day makes transitions much easier for young children. As one resource on early childhood states, “Providing consistent rituals for transitions can often provide children with enough security to know what to expect at certain times.”

Parent proactively by setting expectations and giving warnings. Outline the day before it starts. Then, when transitioning (i.e. driving from the car to school, for example), discuss what is to come. Knowing my child can doddle getting into school, I will outline getting out of the car and to the school door quickly. Before going to a restaurant, we explain to our children what will happen and what is expected of them. Dessert comes at the end for good behaviour and dessert is lost without.

Have disciplinary options that make senseTwo invaluable assets a parent has when parenting a spirited child are their trust and understanding of one another. Because the feelings of spirited children are so big and so dynamic, consequences and discipline MUST preserve the integrity of the parent-child relationship. Natural consequences are consequences that result directly from bad decisions. For instance, refusing to put on a jacket in freezing weather means my child steps outside and is incredibly cold (don’t worry, I have the jacket on hand for when he or she concedes). Logical consequences are ones that are parent inflicted based on their child’s poor choices. In the jacket example, this would mean my child would not be allowed outside until he or she put on her jacket. Both make more sense than arbitrary punishments.

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Whether your child is spirited or not, avoid punishment. While yelling, spanking, timeouts, and other methods of punishment may make sense at the time, or may give you release, they aren’t effectual strategies for teaching children how to manage their emotion or internalize values.

Punishment often has little or no effect on the misbehavior, and takes the responsibility for the misbehavior away from the child. Children need to be accountable for their own behavior in order to learn the inner control necessary to function as healthy, self-disciplined individuals. A child who is punished with spankings, shouts, and threats may learn how to avoid these punishments simply by not misbehaving in that particular way within sight of the person who punishes. There is no guarantee, however, that the child’s behavior will be changed over time or when she is away from the person who punishes her. – Center for Early Education and Development, Univeristy of Minnesota

When your child is having difficulty with self-regulation, hold them close and empathize. At such a young age, it is difficult for children to navigate their feelings. Sending them to their room is a great choice if you join them. Isolating your child to encourage them to calm down can actually lead to more upset and more insecurity. Empathy is an indispensable tool because it both acknowledges the child’s feelings and provides them with the words to label their upset.

Be attentive to their emotional needs. As previously stated, parents of spirited children can feel as though they are passengers on their child’s emotional roller coaster. While it may seem more logical to reason away their upset, acknowledging their feelings and providing them with tools to move through the issue at hand is far more beneficial.

“…multiple studies [have shown] that parents who respond to their children’s emotions in a comforting manner have kids who are more socially well-adjusted than do parents who either tell their kids they are overreacting or who punish their kids for getting upset. “In general, being supportive—which can include comforting the kids, helping them to deal with their emotions, or helping them take care of the problem—tends to be related to better regulation in kids,” – Nancy Eisenberg, Arizona State University

Scaffold their self-regulation and compliance. There is an overwhelming body of evidence that supports the idea that children can perform better on certain tasks when their parents or a more advanced peer is working with them. For example, when my daughter is particularly sensitive, being at her side greatly decreases the intensity and duration of her upset. When I asked my son to clean up, his answer almost every time is, “I can’t do it!” As soon as I sit beside him and point to what needs to be done, he cleans up speedily.

 

Without a doubt, parenting a spirited child is an involved, formidable endeavour. With the right strategies for you and your child, parenting can become less difficult and your whole family will be happier.


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11 thoughts on “Best Strategies for Parenting a Spirited Child

  1. These are all fantastic ideas! I especially love the emphasis on natural consequences. Protecting them from all of the world’s hurt actually makes the world even more scary when it disappoints. Natural consequences are part of life and something that will make sense to a child 🙂

  2. So many great ideas here.. especially working with them for certain tasks. My daughter does mush better when I tell her exactly what to clean (go put away all the barbies and dolls) instead of just saying “Clean up!” Pinning!!

    1. Yes. My kids are the EXACT same with cleaning up. When I say, “Clean up,” 90% of the time nothing happens. When I say what to clean up, it works so much better! Thanks so much for pinning ❤️

  3. We have a calm down corner in her room. It’s a bean bag chair, with a weighted blanket. Sometimes I hold her and do compression on her arms, and sometimes she just sits there quietly and reads. It really helps. When she was little, like 2-3, it was the “Calm down couch.” great post!

    1. Thanks so much for reading and for your comment. I LOVE the idea of a weighted blanket. I think especially my son would benefit from it.

  4. it’s such a hard line to walk not crushing their little spirits but making sure they understand the inappropriate behavior. we used to have a calm down corner for mini but now i think i need to remake it since abc is quite spirited as well. great post.

  5. Reading this has helped me tremendously today. The terrible three’s have arrived and we are struggling. He is VERY SPIRITED. Can’t wait to try some of these techniques. I never want to crush that beautiful spirit of his <3 Thank you.

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