Many were raised using punishment. Spanking and timeouts were the norms. Find out what research says and the answer to the ‘I turned out fine’ argument and more!
It was one of those best-laid-plans-gone-awry type moments.
We had just gotten to the park. Anticipating a couple of hours of play, I had snacks, ice cold water bottles, and kids who were white with sunscreen. I found a spot in the shade for the baby and me to oversee my older kids play. I thought I was hunkering down for a while.
Mere moments after getting there, my kids starting bothering each other. In fact, they were at each other to no end. Quickly, it became evident that we needed to go home. I informed them of our departure and packed up our stuff. Not wanting to stay but also not wanting to go, my son got upset.
“Mama! Take! My! Bike!” His tone and lack of words were a true sign that my four-year-old was at his wit’s end.
It was the beginning of a power struggle. I couldn’t take his bike. He wasn’t willing to take it home. I did my best to empathize and use logic but he was past that point.
In between deep breaths, I assured him that I would wait as long as it took for him to take his bike the one block to our house.
Very slowly, we made our way out of the park. To prove he was acting against his will, my son stopped about every meter to shout a primal grunt of frustration.
As we inched our way down our street, a voice cut through our melodrama. “When I was a kid, I would’ve gotten a good smack for acting like that.” It was one of my neighbours who had been sitting reading on his nearby porch.
I smiled sheepishly. It wasn’t the first time I had heard this and it likely wouldn’t be the last.
There are still many people who feel that a good spanking would put an end to misbehaviour. And, for every proponent of spanking out there, there are even more who feel children should be punished to learn respect and listen better.
To be honest, I was once one of them. Of course, I had heard countless times that parents shouldn’t spank their child. But I didn’t totally buy it. You see, I had excellent parents who loved me unconditionally. I was punished and I turned out fine. I couldn’t help but wonder if gentle parenting was simply a trend that would pass in time. Moreover, like many parents out there, I didn’t want to raise entitled children. Taking away both spanking and timeouts seemed like it would handcuff my ability to parent and parent effectively.
Despite my disbelief, I decided to investigate…
I spoke to a social worker who specialized in family therapy. I dusted off my university login details and headed into psych databases filled with research studies. And, I read any news article I could find on the subject.
Here is what I found out about punishment and positive discipline.
When I spoke to the social worker, she confirmed what I had heard about timeouts. She explained that it is far more powerful to connect with the child and discuss the impact of his behaviour than to use punishment.
When I started digging into newspaper and research articles, I discovered that in around the time that Gen Xers were born, there was an influx of research against spanking. Specifically, an increase corporal punishment correlated with an increase in mental illness and aggression in children. A 50-year meta analysis from the University of Michigan and the University of Austin Texas found that kids who were spanked were more likely to exhibit antisocial behaviour, aggression, mental health problems, and cognitive difficulties.
Despite these findings, parents witness increased compliance after using punishment and deduce that it makes sense.
In an analysis of 88 studies across 62 years, psychologist Elizabeth Thompson Gershoff found that there is a general consensus that the use of force when disciplining actually increases compliance temporarily. According to Dr Laura Markham, clinical psychologist, timeouts work out of a fear of abandonment, or love withdrawal. The problem is that increased compliance does not mean a child is learning to behave. Simply, the child is learning to avoid punishment.
In a study, Patterns of child-rearing, researchers found that children were the least likely to internalize their parents’ values and ideals when ‘power assertion’ was used. Specifically, children whose parents took away their toys, lost a privilege or forced to do something were less likely to show the desire to cooperate with their parents’ rules.
So back to that argument: ‘I was raised using punishment and I turned out fine.’
When positive discipline articles circle the internet, this response is inevitable. Obviously, I too thought this. And the truth is, there is merit to this notion. In the above-mentioned study conducted by Elizabeth Gershoff, she found that situational factors, namely parental relationship, mitigated the negative effects of spanking. So, it is possible to have been parented using harsh punishment and turn out fine. The problem with this is that this method of discipline isn’t an asset but something to be compensated for.
It causes damage.
Research has shown a positive correlation between spanking and physical abuse. Additionally, when we use punitive methods such as spanking or timeouts, we aren’t necessarily teaching our child.
Instead, the methodology that research unequivocally favours is positive discipline. Instead of using force, this method of parenting relies on clear boundaries and connectedness. Positive or authoritative parents seek to establish why their children are misbehaving, they coach them through their problems and seek solutions together.
Though punishment-centred parenting can be lessened by parental relationship, discipline that is centred on love and support is the most powerful of all.
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