When you pick your child up from school, does your child meltdown? Don’t worry. This is totally normal. Find out why self-regulation is so hard for children as well as simple, powerful strategies to promote calmness.
On my daughter’s first day of preschool, I arrived in the school parking lot about 20 minutes before dismissal.
Three hours seemed like a minor eternity to be away from my first born.
As the minutes crawled by, I was antsy. All I wanted was to see and hug my child. When the rusty red school doors swung open, a queue of wide eyed three-year-olds with oversized backpacks made their way out. I burst out of my car ready to have my daughter in my arms.
When I nervously asked, the teacher affirmed me that my little girl did was engaged and involved in the classroom. Her first day was a success! My daughter beamed as I fastened her into her carseat. “I can’t wait to hear all about your day,” I told her bursting with pride.
As I drove the back roads to our home, I turned off the radio and began asking my daughter questions. My normally articulate daughter wasn’t so keen.
“Did you play in the kitchen centre?”
“Did you make any friends?”
“Did anyone get eaten by a dragon?”
Even my feeble attempt at humour didn’t get her to snap out of it. I chalked it up to being the first day of school and figured her stories would come in time.
Boy was I wrong.
It got a whole worse before it got better
Weeks turned to months and I began bracing myself at pick up time. Not only did my daughter not want to talk, she also was the most challenging she’d ever been. She would scream, pinch her brother, and sometimes even hurl the contents of her backpack towards the front of the car. When I say, ‘worse’ I mean it was bad.
When I pick her up, I learned to tread very lightly. I give her some crackers or a cheese string to eat right away. I stopped asking about her day and wait until she starts talking about it. Now I know I need to take her lead.
But it’s not just her.
Just over two weeks ago, my oldest son started kindergarten. His teacher has raved about how well he’s acclimatized to school. But last night, after eating me out of house and home, he exploded. He fell onto the floor a crumpled ball of screaming tears. No amount of coaching, reassuring or promises of dessert got him to snap out of it.
Empathy and listening did nothing. I ended up taking him to my room and held him until he calmed down.
Related reading: Calming an Angry Child: Positive Parenting Strategies that Work!
This morning, he was bright eyed and bouncy as if none of it had ever happened. In fact, he was thrilled at the prospect of another day at school.
I had to get to the bottom of this.
I understand that kids are tired after school. Nevertheless, I felt like this dissonance between what my kids’ teachers were experiencing and how my kids were after school deserved greater investigation. Why is it that children can be pillars of composure at school and then cease to function afterward?
After School Meltdowns: Why is my Child so Grouchy After School?
If you too wonder if your child may the real-life version of Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde, fear not. It turns out five-year-old meltdowns, or after school meltdowns for older children, are perfectly normal.
Dr. Heather Wittenberg explains,
‘Children save their best — and worst — for us, as parents. They’re their “true selves” with us. It takes energy to “be good” and follow the rules — especially for young children — so when they get home, they let it all hang out.’
When they’re at school, children work especially hard at self-regulating.
Self-regulation requires the control of two inner facets. The first is emotional regulation. In the classroom, children must refrain from hitting out of anger. And they try not to cry when they’re hurt. They try hard to keep it together. In contrast, when a child is at home all day, he is more comfortable to express any emotion he feels. He feels less inhibited and is more inclined to throw a puzzle piece when it isn’t fitting just right or scream when his sister is in his personal space.
Self-regulation also requires the control of impulses.
At school, a child must wait in line, follow the classroom routine, sit still when she is told, and so more. She can’t simply grab her lunch whenever she so chooses or cut in front of the line to get to gym class faster. In contrast, when she’s at home, she can eat when she feels like eating and lie down when she feels like lying down and jump when she feels like jumping.
As adults, we can relate. At work, we act in accordance with the expectations of our work day. When we’re outside of the home in general, we certainly act differently than at home. The difference between us and our kids is that this now comes naturally to us. We’ve had decades of experience at doing this.
For young children, the self-regulation that is needed when they’re away from the comfort of their parents is arduous.
Throw in the fact that they’re at school learning, navigating new friendships, lessons, and expectations. On top of it, they are away from home all day. Really, it’s no wonder kids unravel after school.
Related reading: Practical Strategies to get Ahead of After School Meltdowns
Self-Regulation Strategies: What can you do to promote calmness after school?
In my experience, there is no cure-all. As a parent, I can do everything possible to make the evening go well and there can be loads of tears. But, overall, there are some very effective strategies to promote self-regulation in young kids and avoid after-school meltdowns.
- First, ask yourself, have their basic needs been met? After school, I absolutely need to make sure my kids have a snack on the way home from school. This gets their blood sugar up before they get in the door.
- Sometimes, the need to lie down and rest either with or without me.
- Avoid asking about their day until they’ve had the chance to relax a bit.
- Invite them to partake in quiet activities. Doing puzzles, painting, colouring, and playing with play dough can be a nice way to unwind.
- Set up an invitation to play. Or, bring out an old box of forgotten toys and let them play open-endedly.
- Go play outside. Fresh air and a chance to blow off steam can be a game changer.
- Consider allowing for the occasional day off. When my son started kindergarten, we gave him a max of one day off a week to help ease his transition. By Novemeber, he no longer wanted or needed the day off.
- No matter, be patient and model calmness. I have to remind myself repeatedly that I can only control my reaction.
Since enacting these strategies, after school is almost seemless. I finally get to enjoy the tear-free children the teachers talked about!
For more effective strategies like these, sign up for my newsletter.
You’ll get positive parenting insights, free printables – including ‘Your Kids Will Listen if you do THIS’, and exclusive offers.