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You are here: Home / Positive Parenting Strategies / The powerful approach that will get your parenting back on track

January 5, 2019 By Alana Pace 1 Comment

The powerful approach that will get your parenting back on track

There’s nothing worse than feeling like you’re letting your child down. The good news is those bad parenting moments don’t define our children or us for that matter. Inside find out what research says is the best way to resolve our parenting mistakes and get back on track.


Recently, I broke one of the cardinal rules of parenting. My husband and I got into a heated argument in front of the kids.

I was beyond tired after waking a half dozen times throughout the night with a teething toddler. I couldn’t brew coffee fast enough and felt that the only way I could begin to face the day was with a vat’s worth of caffeine coursing through my veins.

 

That’s when it happened.

As my husband put on his navy blue down-filled jacket, he started in about our post-Christmas finances. Maybe it was because of the night of broken sleep the night before. Or maybe I was worn down after a dynamic Holiday season. Either way, my body responded before I could process a thought. His words no sooner left his mouth than my jaw clenched. My breath became shallow.

“I can’t deal with this right now.”

He persisted.

I felt couldn’t handle our discussion at that exact moment. He felt we just needed to cover a few things with me before he went to work.

My emotions started to swirl. Before I knew it I yelled. That’s when I saw saucer-sized brown eyes poke up from underneath our solid oak coffee table.

My stomach sank as the blood ran from my face. I couldn’t believe I had been unkind to my husband in front of my kids.

bad parenting moments such as fighting in front of the kids can be resolved

The truth about when I fail…

There are a few general reasons I fail as a parent. The biggest contributors include being inconceivably tired, preoccupied, or simply being unsure of what to do. Sometimes I yell.  Other times, I give too many warnings or am too harsh. For example, sometimes I mistakenly think my kids are acting out only to realize their hungry. When I make these mistakes, I’m letting down the most important people in my life. And when I catch myself making repeated mistakes, I worry that I am causing irreparable damage.

Not only that but when I’ve had a bad parenting moment, I am ransacked with guilt. And the truth is, the internet only reinforces this. Reading articles about the damages of yelling underscores my feelings of inadequacy and concern.

 

Related: Stop Yelling Using One Simple Trick

 

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly about those bad parenting moments

Let’s start with the bad. Aside from weighing on our conscience, we know that those bad parenting moments run inherent risks. Specifically, if these behaviours become habitual, they risk having long-term consequences for both the child and the parent-child relationship.

Take yelling for example. Research shows that children with parents who yell chronically are more likely to experience mood disorders or antisocial tendencies. A study on aggressive verbal discipline and parenting found that the more parents yelled, the less thirteen-year-olds listened. In fact, one year later, the children who experienced the most aggressive verbal feedback from their parents had the most behavioural issues.

It’s no surprise that if we find ourselves arguing in front of the kids, getting too engrossed in our work, or yelling at our kids with any regularity, we run the risk of disrupting our children’s emotional foundation.

We can repair the damage from our bad parenting moments

The good news about those bad parenting moments.

After a bad parenting moment or series of them, we feel guilty and can be ridden with self-doubt. Add to that the fact that the internet is laden with reminders of how we should and shouldn’t be parenting, and we have the perfect recipe for feeling like perpetual failures.

The good news is there is some reassuring research out there.

In his lecture called The Shaping of our Emotional Selves, Dr Allan Schore explains that, even in securely attached mother-child relationships, there are “frequent moments of misattunement that rupture the attachment bond.” He states that the key is not to strive to be perfect parents because that is, of course, unattainable. In terms of understanding how imperfect parents are as a whole, one study found that mothers were only able to appropriately understand their infants’ distress 30% of the time. The “good enough” parent isn’t perfect but understands how to repair the damage done when he or she creates undue stress to the child.

 

Related: How to get your kids to listen without yelling

How this applies to everyday parenting

According to Schore,  “the key is to enter into interactive repair.” Specifically, we need to understand how our children feel after we have made a parenting mistake and work to reduce the child’s stress levels. When we enter into repair with our children we decrease their cortisol levels and re-establish feelings of calm and connectedness.

Some ways to achieve this include:

  • Opening up the lines of communication – talk about what the child witnessed and offer to answer any questions. Use age-appropriate language and do not discuss more than what they need to know.
  • Apologizing – not only does this help decrease a child’s feelings of stress, it also models good behaviour.
  • Coming up with a plan for next time – for example, “The next time I start to feel like I’m going to yell, I want you to let me know to take a deep breath.” Not only will this help the child feel empowered, it will also act as a reminder in the heat of the moment.
  • Spending quality one on one time – whether it’s doing a puzzle, lego, or heading outside for a game of catch, children will feel more secure and less stressed when we

Conclusion

When we have bad parenting moments, it weighs on us and our kids. It’s easy to start to feel like a bad parent the more we fall short. Behavioural science shows that there are no perfect parents. In fact, the best parents get it wrong a lot. When mistakes are made, all we can do is work with our children to make the situation better and try harder next time.

After my husband’s and my argument the other day, I asked all three kids to join me in our bed. As I pulled the duvet up over us, I let them know I was sorry for arguing. I told them that, if my husband and I needed to discuss something serious when the kids are awake, we would go into our bedroom and resolve the issue away from them.

Both of my big kids smiled as my strong-willed daughter spotted an opportunity. “I can remind you.” I had to laugh, “Perfect. I appreciate the help.”

 

Filed Under: Parenting Toddlers, Parenting Tweens and Beyond, Parenting Young Children, Positive Parenting Strategies, Posts Tagged With: blog, empathetic parenting, Life Lessons, Parenting, parenting from the heart, parenting tips, positive parenting

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Hi! I'm Alana. When I'm not nursing cold, stale coffee, I usually can be found with the baby on my hip, barefoot, and racing after my two older kids. Thanks to a degree in psychology and a free-range childhood backing onto an expansive evergreen forest, positive parenting and play-based learning are my passions. Read more here.

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Though there are countless people who understand t Though there are countless people who understand the importance of positive, responsive parenting, the idea that young children should self-soothe remains a prevalent belief.

Though this ideology is well-intentioned, it actually goes against what we know about human development.

Babies come into the world highly dependent on responsive caregiving not only for nurturance and protection but also to foster social and emotional development.

While it may seem that leaving a child to cry will help her learn to cope, it actually floods her brain with cortisol. She doesn’t learn to self-soothe but instead to shut down.

Though it may seem counterintuitive to some, independence is fostered through responsive care. The less stressed a child feels, the safer he feels to explore his world. The less stressed he feels, the more appropriate his emotional responses become.

This is first seen in late infancy but pervades through childhood and adulthood.

Have any questions about these findings? Feel free to comment below or send me a message!
❤️❤️❤️❤️ Teach Through Love ❤️❤️❤️❤️ Teach Through Love
via @unconditional_parenting. via @unconditional_parenting.
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So often independence and attachment are thought t So often independence and attachment are thought to be mutually exclusive.
However, research shows that in order for children (and adults) to be independent, they need to feel safe and secure within their closest relationships. In childhood, this means having caregivers who respond to distress and both emotional and physical needs.
In adulthood, people who have responsive and caring partners feel more stable and comfortable being independent.
So hold and comfort those babies.
Hug and respond to your kids.
Love and hold space for the adults you are closest to.
Attachment fosters independence.
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"This year, I changed my assessments by adding a p "This year, I changed my assessments by adding a piece of paper at the end, asking, 'What else do you know about the topic, that I didn’t ask you about?'

Another teacher suggested this idea online about a year ago – I wish I could remember who it was! – and I thought, 'BOOM. I want to do this.'

Answering the question is completely optional, and when students do show more understanding on the sheet than they did on their assessment, I’ll point it out to them. Sometimes I’ll write, 'The learning wasn’t shown in your assessment, but I can see you do know this from what you wrote at the end.'

Afterward, I’ll follow up with them about how to recognize and answer test questions asked in different ways. Clearly, in cases like this, they understand the material but aren’t able to formulate an answer in response to the way I posed the question. I’ll point out to them that while it’s great that they’ve shown me their learning, they won’t always have a chance to answer assessment questions in an open-ended way, and I want them to succeed when they encounter assessment-style questions in the future.

I love what this change has done. This strategy has made my assessments more inclusive. It helps me communicate to my students: When I assess your understanding, I’m looking for what you DO know."
—Teacher Julie Arsenault via @teacher2teacher
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