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You are here: Home / Positive Parenting Strategies / The best and worst consequences for moral development
The best and worst consequences for moral development

August 20, 2019 By Alana Pace 18 Comments

The best and worst consequences for moral development

Research has shown certain consequences for kids undermine the goal of raising good, moral children. However, natural and logical consequences are invaluable teachers.


It was one of those impromptu summer afternoons that my kids and I live for. On a whim, we met up with my brother downtown. Our walk along the seawall led us to the aqua bus station.

Picking up on our anything-goes attitude, they smiled and asked to board the aqua bus. In no time, we had piled two dogs, a stroller and three kids onto the rainbow water taxi and were off to a little island that housed a farmer’s market, kids market, restaurants, artisan shops and a waterpark.

After eating their fill of cheese and pepperoni pizza, my brother took them into a magic shop. Out they came clutching brown paper bags, and Then, we headed to the splash pad where there was a free water slide. As I said – it’s what summer memories are made of!

For the next hour or so, my two oldest kids mounted the wet wooden staircase to slide endlessly.

That’s when it hit me…

Though the day could not have been better, my timing was less than perfect. If we didn’t leave then, we would hit the worst of rush hour traffic.

Despite our scramble back to the aqua bus, up the hill to my brother’s apartment and into the car, by the time my children and I hit the highway, we were struck by a wall of gridlock.

Just as we hit that wall of traffic, my two older children started roughhousing and squealing at decibel levels that left my ears ringing.

Then, I heard a snap. Then another snap followed by maniacal laughter. They had taken the tricks my brother had bought them at a magic shop and were throwing them throughout the car.

My heart rate began to accelerate as I gripped the steering wheel tighter.

In the past, I might have yelled at my kids to be quiet.

In fact, I likely would have yelled and threatened some sort of arbitrary consequence like, “If you don’t quiet down right now, there will be no dessert!”

For the longest time, I didn’t know how to execute discipline any better. So, there were times my emotions got the best of me. But, the more I read about moral development, the more I understand that this approach to parenting – anger coupled with arbitrary consequences – only undermined my goal to raise good children.

Related reading: How to execute positive parenting from a position of strength

What research says about arbitrary consequences for kids

In the short term, my yelling or threats of taking away ice cream may work.

My children fear my anger and want to do whatever it takes to get dessert. However, research shows that long term rewards and punishments are ineffective (1). In an analysis of studies on moral development, researchers found that parents who overpower, are negative, conflictual and sarcastic with their children have children with less mature moral reasoning (2). Not only that, but these researchers found that when mothers are relatively angry and use physical or verbal pressure on their children, their children become more reliant on external pressures to comply, are more resentful towards their mothers and are more likely to reject her rules in the future. Additionally, children who were raised where power exertion was regularly used showed lower internalized moral values and less mature moral cognition.

When applied to my children this means that the more I yell and the more I threaten to take away ice cream, the more they will resent me and the less likely they will be to value what I’m trying to teach them (in this case to be respectful and quiet while someone is driving).

Despite this, children still need structure, guidance and at times, consequences.

Related reading: Why authoritative parenting is crucial now but not have been before

Why parents should drop arbitrary consequences and what consequences to use instead.

The truth is, punishments are easier than other parenting measures. They take a one-size-fits-all approach to whatever dilemma is at hand. Threaten, scold, yell, ground, spank, or bribe to get better behaviour quickly.

As stated before, these methods can work in the short term. However, the more consistently punishments are used, the more children rely on external pressure to behave. Not only does this lead to lower level moral reasoning but it also has devastating implications for peer pressure. For example, when parents are concerned with how influenced their teenage children are by their peers, parenting consultant, Barbara Coloroso shares, “From the time he was young, he… acted the way you told him to act; he said the things you told him to say. He’s been listening to somebody else tell him what to do….he hasn’t changed. He is still listening to somebody else tell him what to do. The problem is, it isn’t you anymore; it’s his peers.” When parents use power to improve behaviour, children lose their moral agency (3).

Related reading: Scolding undermines effective parenting. This is why (and what to do instead).

The use of punishment has other terrible side effects too. Namely, it models aggressive behaviour and it erodes the relationship between the parent and child (1). In addition, behaviourists state that punishment and rewards imposed by another person will decrease overall adaptive behaviour. Furthermore, they don’t follow logically from the event that has unfolded. Because of this, they damage the relationship between the parent and child. And as such, they also fail to recognize the needs of the child and the family.

Instead of random punishments, consequences for children should be natural or logical.

Children thrive on order and do best when their parents have high expectations. Because of this, it is crucial that parents still maintain family rules and follow through.

Research shows the most effective discipline for children involves:

  • the use of courteous language.
  • only using disciplinary tactics that would be appropriate for the child to emulate themselves. Meaning, if the parent does not want the child to yell, shame, or hit others, the parent should not do any of these things to the child.
  • collaborating as a family to establish the rules of the household and the consequences when these rules aren’t followed.
  • problem-solving when everyone is calm.
  • takes into account the child’s thought process (2).

The most powerful consequences for kids are natural or logical consequences.

Natural consequences stem directly from a child’s behaviour. And, as such, parents do not impose them in any way. At the same time, for a child to truly experience a natural consequence, parents should not save their child from it.

Some examples of natural consequences include:

  • When my children don’t want to wear their jackets, I often suggest they stand outside for a few minutes and then make a decision to wear, bring, or leave their coats. If they decide to leave them and end up being cold, that is a natural consequence of their choice.
  • Recently, we were away at a family wedding. When we were leaving, my daughter decided not to follow my suggestion of going through the hotel room to make sure she had her toys. Though I did a thorough check under the beds and in drawers, I didn’t know she had wrapped her LOL dolls in a hotel towel in the bathroom. As a result, she lost all of her favourite dolls. (I did call lost and found but they never showed up.) Instead of replacing them, as she asked, we are encouraging her to save money to replace them.
  • When roughhousing is getting too rough, I tell my children to be gentle or find something else to do because they may get hurt. If they don’t listen and someone cries that is a natural consequence.

Related reading: How to Discipline a Child: Why science says this is the best approach

Logical consequences are imposed by the parent. Unlike arbitrary consequences, logical ones are directly tied to the child’s behaviour, take into account the child’s perspective and are proportionate to what has happened. They give a child the chance to understand what happens when he doesn’t behave in a way that is safe or appropriate. The parent doesn’t make attributions about the child’s character. As such, they separate the child from her action. This type of consequence for kids is administered in a calm way.

Before using logical consequences, it is important to take note of the state of the child. Have his basic needs been met? Meaning, is she not listening because she’s hungry, overstimulated, overtired, or could just use some help? If it’s yes to any of these questions, then the best course of action is to work at solving these issues first.

Some examples of logical consequences in our own home include:

  • When I’m vacuuming or sweeping, I tell my kids that they need to clean up. If they are uninterested in items on the floor, I donate or discard them.
  • The afternoon my son branded the upper level of our house with a sharpie, he had to get a scrub brush, some toothpaste and use his own elbow grease to get the Xs off the walls.
  • When I continued to find bear paw wrappers that had been eaten without permission, I stopped buying them.
  • If they roughhouse in the pool, it means they have to get out of the pool.
  • I take my children to their rooms if they hit or hurt each other. Then, I stay with them until they’re calm and ready to make amends.

Consequences for kids can help or hinder moral development

A final note about consequences for kids

The day we hit traffic and my children’s behaviour deteriorated, I pulled to the side of the road and turned on my hazard lights. “I cannot drive safely with people screaming. I will wait as long as it takes for everyone to be calm.”

It took about a minute’s time, but the screaming stopped.

That’s when I realized that their magic tricks had particles in their packaging. When my kids opened them, little bits of sawdust exploded and landed all over the back seats. “Before dinner tonight, you both have to vacuum up the mess you made.”

There was a little protest, but eventually, they agreed.

The rest of the way home, they were mostly peaceful. And, before I went out to get tzatziki for dinner, they had cleaned the car.

The truth is, executing logical consequences or allowing for natural consequences takes patience, practice and the results aren’t immediate. However, the more my children experience them, the more they understand the implications of their behaviour and the more likely they are to internalize my values.

More great articles that you may find helpful:

Scolding undermines effective parenting. This is why (and what to do instead).

How to Discipline a Child: Why science says this is the best approach

Research says this is how to raise children who want to do what’s right

Why white parents should talk about privilege and racism with their kids

Filed Under: Parenting Young Children, Positive Parenting Strategies, Posts, Readers' Favourites Tagged With: blog, empathetic parenting, kids listening, Life Lessons, Parenting, parenting from the heart, positive discipline, positive parenting strategies

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. deirdre lintott says

    August 23, 2019 at 12:55 pm

    As always insightful, realistic and helpful!
    I like how you tie in research and your real experiences!
    So delighted to read your articles!
    Deirdre

    Reply
  2. Rozalyn Vickery says

    August 24, 2019 at 5:19 pm

    What an incredible resource. The simple and clear message is approachable and easy to understand. The connection to quality research and examples of application inspire commitment to the message and provide clear paths to implementation.
    I will be using this article in my practice from now on.
    Well done. Thank you from the counselling community and parents everywhere!

    Reply
  3. Amy says

    January 10, 2020 at 8:32 pm

    Hi! I’m a 1st grade teacher. I love this approach and do my best to follow this advice. I am wondering what would be a logical consequence for screaming or roughhousing in the classroom. I really can’t “pull over” and I can’t let them continue with the roughhousing until someone gets hurt. I have found that trying to implement logical consequences in the classroom with other people’s children can be very challenging! Thank you for your help!

    Reply
    • Alana Pace says

      January 13, 2020 at 1:13 pm

      Amy, thank you so much for your question. I feel as though in the classroom, separation from each other, either simply by preventing them from playing together in the classroom for a period of time through a non-exclusionary timeout – kids sitting to the side of the room. I hope that helps.

      Reply
  4. Alisha says

    January 14, 2020 at 6:29 pm

    Wondering what a logical consequence would be for talking back? My 6 year old will often talk back when he doesn’t like what we are asking him to do or sometimes it even seems like there is no reason! I struggle with finding something that is a natural or logical consequence.

    Reply
  5. Ashley Oliden says

    January 15, 2020 at 1:58 pm

    Thank you for the information! I am struggling with my six year old daughter with pushing limits and back talk. I ask her to come to dinner, pick up toys, her TV time is over, etc.. and I get “one more minute” after I have set timers, and reminded her. Any suggestions on logical consequences would be great. Also for back talk as well.

    Reply
  6. Paula says

    January 18, 2020 at 5:17 pm

    I don’t agree with this article at all. This is why children don’t have any respect these days for anyone or anything. You can teach with love and punish them. My parents used the old fashioned way of disciplining me and I’m grateful for the way they brought me up. I love them very much and don’t hold that against them. That’s how I brought up my boys and there never was a problem. My boys say that they will do the same. They respect people (and themselves), are responsible, have a ton of manners (not only ‘please’ and ‘thank you’) and are very caring and compassionate human beings.

    Reply
    • Alana Pace says

      January 19, 2020 at 4:42 pm

      I appreciate your comment and your perspective. It is wonderful that you raised such great children and also had such an incredible upbringing. Where we disagree is this. Countless studies find that the best way to teach respect is by modelling and coaching respect. Moreover, arbitrary consequences have a detrimental impact on children and their moral development when compared to kind, respectful guidance. Finally, one of the strongest ways to teach is by modelling. If we show our children respect and when they’re disrespectful present alternative ways of responding with respect, they learn without being forced. This actually leads to higher-level moral reasoning.

      Reply
    • Aliza says

      January 20, 2021 at 9:19 am

      Drawing from something I’ve witnessed.
      What if your child argues about the ‘whys’ of a logical consequence or demand? You can’t keep explaining everything on the spot…

      Reply
  7. Barb says

    January 25, 2020 at 12:13 am

    I think one half of this style of parenting is excellent! I have used many of them. I did yell at my children (who are now 41, 44, and 47 years old). I yelled to be heard over the din. I yelled sometimes when I was mad. I also taught them to be themselves. ALWAYS! They all have excellent manners, work hard, are very respectful and responsible. Two of them have children and they are great!!! You have to prepare your kids for the real world. They will have people that yell at them. If I did it your way, they would be a puddle on the floor and very easily dominated. Don’t treat them as psychological experiments. They have to face the real world. I also taught them to yell. If a stranger tried anything…they were taught to YELL!!! I did have my basic rules and equally effective and Always followed up on discipline for everyone but I did treat each of my children as the individuals they are. I taught at-risk children (mostly teens) for over 20 years and very seldom did I ever need to discipline them. You’ve got to expect some backtalk. It’s a way for kids to learn to stand up for themselves.. The trick is to turn backtalk into conversation.
    I like some of your ideas but I think you are not preparing them for the real world. I like Barbara Collorsso (sp?) and used her teachings when I taught a course for parents of at risk kids. Her methods though I find to be very cold and almost militaristic . My rules for bringing up children are; Make Reasonable rules and Always follow up on them immediately with Reasonable punishment. Teach your child to respect others And Themselves. There is No Such Thing as a Small Problem when it’s theirs. LOVE them UNCONDITIONALLY.

    Reply
  8. Jess says

    February 18, 2020 at 7:39 am

    I really enjoyed reading your article. I am struggling with parenting my 4 year old daughter at times. She is one of my b/g twins. She doesn’t follow instructions well and I feel I become overbearing because she ignores you, won’t even acknowledge a request even when you’re certain she has heard you and understands the request. I’m just not sure what the consequences should be for this behavior. I am looking for any sort of help to alleviate my frustrations and have a better relationship with my daughter. We have introduced one on one special days to fill her cup, we try not to loose our temper with her and calm ourselves (which is not always successful!) and I am really trying to take different approaches when requesting she does something but I am struggling. Any thoughts?

    Reply

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Hi! I'm Alana. When I'm not nursing cold, stale coffee, I usually can be found with the baby on my hip, barefoot, and racing after my two older kids. Thanks to a degree in psychology and a free-range childhood backing onto an expansive evergreen forest, positive parenting and play-based learning are my passions. Read more here.

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