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You are here: Home / Posts / Research says this is how to use positive parenting from a position of strength
Research says this is how to use positive parenting from a position of strength

July 25, 2019 By Alana Pace 9 Comments

Research says this is how to use positive parenting from a position of strength

To many, positive parenting, also known as authoritative parenting, sounds like a misnomer. If you take away punishment, how will a child know who is in charge? Find out how to execute positive parenting from a position of strength and raise well-adjusted, responsible children.


Last week, a question popped up in my facebook group that sent me back to the beginning of my parenting journey.

I understand we shouldn’t use punishment with children. But I’ll be honest, I don’t really understand how to execute positive parenting. I would love your parenting tips.

My daughter was a few months shy of three and my son was close to his second birthday. Tensions in our household were running high. I was sleep-deprived as my son hadn’t stopped night nursing. We had outgrown our small two-bedroom apartment but were struggling financially. My husband was looking for a new job. There was a good chance we were going to move across the country.

Though we were careful not to talk about our worries in front of our children, our stress was palpable. And, our girl seemed to pick up on everything.

As our tension mounted, our strong-willed sensitive child’s behaviour became less and less manageable.

Almost overnight, our daughter became angry, willful and was hitting her brother and, at times, us when something didn’t go her way.

Having studied developmental psychology during my undergraduate degree, I knew that parents who used punitive (authoritarian parenting) were more likely to raise children with lower self-esteem, lower school performance, and poorer mental health (1). Moreover, children who are raised with way appeared to be more reliant on the approval and acceptance of authority figures (2). Not only that, but they are less likely to internalize their parents’ moral reasoning as conditional parenting relies on external forces to get the child to behave (3).

Related reading: Parenting a Strong-Willed Sensitive Child: Here is what you need to know

In order to execute positive parenting, I needed to do my best to not to:

  • use of threats,
  • yell,
  • shame,
  • take away privileges (4),
  • demand obedience,
  • use physical and arbitrary punishments.

Though I understood what I shouldn’t do, I had no clue what I should do. I felt weakened. Adding to this feeling was the fact that the society I grew up in had me believing the only way to parent was to force children to behave. Because of this, I had a prevailing doubt that I was risking slip into permissive parenting.

The truth is I didn’t know how to execute positive parenting.

I felt limited by what I shouldn’t do. And, there were times where I just ignored misbehaviour. And, in all honesty, there were times where I defaulted to yelling or threatening to take away privileges because I just did not know what to do.

It took a lot of my own research, trial and error as well as starting my graduate studies to get a good handle on how to execute positive parenting.

Related reading: How to discipline a child: Science says this is the best approach

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Mother using positive parenting with son

This is how to execute positive parenting from a position of strength.

1. Connect with children to improve behaviour.

Research shows that people who execute positive parenting:

  • comfort and seek to understand their children when they are upset.
  • regularly hug, kiss, and hold their children.
  • are sympathetic when their children are hurt or frustrated.
  • appreciate what their children are trying to accomplish or have accomplished.
  • are responsive to their children’s needs and feelings.
  • encourage their children to talk about their troubles.
  • and, spend quality time with their children (4).

All of this shows that connection is crucial to positive parenting. This is because it fuels good behaviour and also gets misbehaviour back on track.

The reason?

When children misbehave, their brains are operating in the fight, flight or freeze response (5). Their prefrontal cortex, responsible for self-regulation, can shut down (6). When parents address a child’s behaviour coming from a place of connection, the child is more likely to have oxytocin released calming the child (7, 8).

This means in day-to-day life, parents should:

  • show affection, attention, and encouragement.
  • appreciate what a child is doing regardless of if the parent understands it or not. For instance, “I see you have a lot of containers out with shaving cream and food colouring. Can you tell me what’s going on?” And then, “Okay. I need everything cleaned up when you’re done making your potion.”
  • consider the child’s perspective before giving directions. For example, “I love your lego set-up. You’ve worked so hard. In five minutes, I need you to clear it off the table for dinner.”
  • validates the goodness in the child when faced with misbehaviour like this example from Correction Through Connection, As It Turns Out, There’s No Other Way:

‘I know you’re a great human. I know that for certain. That decision you made didn’t end so well, but I imagine there was something that might have felt okay about it at the time. What made it feel like a good idea?’ Then, ‘I get that. I’ve felt that way myself. How do you think it went wrong?’ And finally, ‘What might be a better thing to do next time?’ Or, if needed, ‘Is there anything I can do to make it easier for you to do that?’
Or, ‘Things seem pretty upside down right now. What might you be able to do to put things right?’

2. Work together to establish rules and then follow through on those rules.

Research shows that people who execute positive parenting:

  • collaborates with children to establish the family rules.
  • explain the reason for rules and expectations.
  • uses front-loading by explaining expectations and rules ahead of time so children know what is expected of them.
  • explain the consequences of behaviour (4).
  • are consistent about following through on rules and expectations.

Related reading: Front-loading, redirection and connection: 3 strategies for your strong-willed toddler

This means in day-to-day life, parents should:

  • be clear about expectations beforehand.
  • allow children to express how they’re feeling regardless of if the parent agrees.
  • take into consideration the child’s perspective when following through on rules and expectations.
  • allow for natural consequences to happen when they happen. For instance, my daughter didn’t clean up her LOL dolls after being warned that my parents’ dog would eat them. When they were eaten, she had to save her money to replace the figurines.
  • wait for cooperation after expectations have been explained. For example, if my own children refuse to wear their helmets bike riding, I tell them we won’t go until they comply. Or, when the house needed to be cleaned before we went to the pool, our departure time was pushed back until everything was done.
  • use logical consequences when safety or wellbeing is at stake. For instance, I took away the scissors my two-and-a-half-year-old was using until he was willing to sit down while using them.
  • take a time-in. Specifically, take a child to the side of a social interaction or to her bedroom and help her calm down. Stay with her if she would like or leave her if she wants space. Once she is calm, talk about different ways to problem-solve the upsetting situation.

3. Model instead of lecture.

Lecturing can make a child feel as if he, or at the very least, his behaviour is under attack.

When this happens, his fight, flight, or freeze response is triggered making him defensive against what is being said. As outlined in the section about connection, when we use our love of and attachment for our child as a means to understand and explain what went wrong, the child becomes more receptive to the parent’s direction.

Additionally, modelling calm behaviour as opposed to chastising out of anger, creates an invaluable lesson. Specifically, whenever we model the behaviour we want to see in our children, the actual function of their brain changes. The more they see their parents respond calmly, reasonably and responsibly, the more neural pathways form around those events within the child making them more likely to act the same (9).

This means in day-to-day life, parents should:

  • observe their responses to events.
  • speak calmly and kindly as often as possible.
  • model how to respond when they have acted out of anger or frustration.
  • find ways to exemplify their beliefs and principles in their daily lives.

Related download: {FREE} Guide to Positive Discipline With Printable Cheatsheets

4. Redirect behaviour.

Aside from modelling and front-loading, one of the most powerful ways to execute positive parenting is by redirecting a child’s energy from an undesirable behaviour to a more desirable one.

Different forms of redirection include:

  • making substitutions.
  • changing the environment.
  • demonstrate and request better behaviour.

This means in day-to-day life, parents should:

  • Offer toys a child can play with when others are in use.
  • Suggest an alternative idea to one your child has suggested. For example for a tween, this could be dropping and picking up him and his friends from the movie theatre instead of leaving him at the mall unattended.
  • Take time-ins.
  • Get outside to release pent up energy.
  • When backtalk arises, shut off screens and spend quality time together.

5. Use ‘re-attunement’ when parenting gets off course.

No matter how proficient any parent is at positive parenting, there will always be less-than-ideal moments. In a study on emotional development, Shore found that new mothers responded “the right way” to their babies approximately 30% of the time (8). What separated the best mothers from the mean was their propensity to re-attune. Meaning, when they failed to get their responses right the first time, these mothers tried again to find ways to get it right. As such, he concluded that the real power in parenting is in the “good enough mother.” It’s guaranteed that all parents will get parenting wrong often. However, what separates the best parents from the average is their desire to get back on track and re-attune themselves with their parenting goals and what is best for their children.

This means in day-to-day life, parents should:

  • re-connect with children through shared fun activities.
  • re-read parenting materials that support parenting goals.
  • forgive themselves when they get off track.
  • take care of themselves so that they can parent effectively.
  • apologize to their children when they make mistakes such as yell or threaten.
  • explain to the child in age-appropriate terms that the parents’ mistakes are not a reflection of the child but because of other stressors.

A final note about how to execute positive parenting

Since the other shoe has dropped, I am able to guide and teach my children in a way that both respects them and models the behaviour I want to see in them. Though I will falter, I can use the opportunity to demonstrate to my children how to act when they make mistakes. This style of parenting is invaluable because it understands both the child and adult are human. We will both make mistakes but when they do, I will continue to love and respect my children through their problems. And when I do, I will model contrition. I cannot think of a more meaningful way to raise my kids.

More articles and resources you may find helpful:

Stop yelling at kids using one simple trick

The Best and Worst Consequences for Moral Development

Punishments, Time Outs and Rewards: Why conditional parenting doesn’t work and what does

{FREE} Guide to Positive Discipline With Printable Cheatsheets

What positive parenting is essential now, but may not have been in the past

Yes Brain: How to cultivate courage, curiosity, and resilience in children 

How to discipline a child: Science says this is the best approach

Why punishment is ineffective and what to do instead

How to get kids to listen without yelling

Filed Under: Parenting Young Children, Positive Parenting Strategies, Posts, Readers' Favourites Tagged With: empathetic parenting, Parenting, parenting from the heart, parenting tips, positive discipline, positive parenting

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Hi! I'm Alana. When I'm not nursing cold, stale coffee, I usually can be found with the baby on my hip, barefoot, and racing after my two older kids. Thanks to a degree in psychology and a free-range childhood backing onto an expansive evergreen forest, positive parenting and play-based learning are my passions. Read more here.

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I remember in my earlier days of parenting when I I remember in my earlier days of parenting when I had two under two so much of my life was spent thinking I’ll be happy when…

I’ll be happy when they sleep through the night.

I’ll be happy when my husband doesn’t have to work such late hours.

I’ll be happy when I look and feel like myself again and not a feeding troth 😬😬😬

As it turns out this struggle with finding happiness isn’t unique to me or parenting. 

Collectively our mental health is suffering, but there are many research backed ways to improve happiness. (Link in bio to read more).
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Though there are countless people who understand t Though there are countless people who understand the importance of positive, responsive parenting, the idea that young children should self-soothe remains a prevalent belief.

Though this ideology is well-intentioned, it actually goes against what we know about human development.

Babies come into the world highly dependent on responsive caregiving not only for nurturance and protection but also to foster social and emotional development.

While it may seem that leaving a child to cry will help her learn to cope, it actually floods her brain with cortisol. She doesn’t learn to self-soothe but instead to shut down.

Though it may seem counterintuitive to some, independence is fostered through responsive care. The less stressed a child feels, the safer he feels to explore his world. The less stressed he feels, the more appropriate his emotional responses become.

This is first seen in late infancy but pervades through childhood and adulthood.

Have any questions about these findings? Feel free to comment below or send me a message!
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So often independence and attachment are thought t So often independence and attachment are thought to be mutually exclusive.
However, research shows that in order for children (and adults) to be independent, they need to feel safe and secure within their closest relationships. In childhood, this means having caregivers who respond to distress and both emotional and physical needs.
In adulthood, people who have responsive and caring partners feel more stable and comfortable being independent.
So hold and comfort those babies.
Hug and respond to your kids.
Love and hold space for the adults you are closest to.
Attachment fosters independence.
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"This year, I changed my assessments by adding a p "This year, I changed my assessments by adding a piece of paper at the end, asking, 'What else do you know about the topic, that I didn’t ask you about?'

Another teacher suggested this idea online about a year ago – I wish I could remember who it was! – and I thought, 'BOOM. I want to do this.'

Answering the question is completely optional, and when students do show more understanding on the sheet than they did on their assessment, I’ll point it out to them. Sometimes I’ll write, 'The learning wasn’t shown in your assessment, but I can see you do know this from what you wrote at the end.'

Afterward, I’ll follow up with them about how to recognize and answer test questions asked in different ways. Clearly, in cases like this, they understand the material but aren’t able to formulate an answer in response to the way I posed the question. I’ll point out to them that while it’s great that they’ve shown me their learning, they won’t always have a chance to answer assessment questions in an open-ended way, and I want them to succeed when they encounter assessment-style questions in the future.

I love what this change has done. This strategy has made my assessments more inclusive. It helps me communicate to my students: When I assess your understanding, I’m looking for what you DO know."
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