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You are here: Home / Positive Parenting Strategies / The Surprising Strategy That Will Get Your Kids to Listen Better

April 26, 2018 By Alana Pace 2 Comments

The Surprising Strategy That Will Get Your Kids to Listen Better

If you find you get caught in power struggles with your kids or you repeat yourself endlessly but your kids don’t listen, these strategies are for you. Whether the kids neglect their responsibilities and you feel like you can’t avoid yelling or they don’t get ready on time, these strategies are effective and simple enough to enact in everyday life. These are practical parenting tips on how to get kids to listen.


In our family, mornings used to be marked by a blitzkrieg of power struggles.

Bright and early, my feet hit the cold main floor to discover my children’s imagination splattered everywhere. I’m talking about intricate toy scenes on the floor, markers on the breakfast table, and half-finished science experiments on the kitchen counters and tiles.

Desperately in need of coffee, I do my best to get a pot on while multitasking. Up until a few weeks ago, I would stand behind the counter unloading the dishwasher, making lunches, and barking repetitive orders.

“Get your socks on.”
“Don’t you have your socks on?”
“Where are your socks?”

By the third time I said anything, my jaw clenched and my heart rate soared. I did my best not to yell, but there were times I did.

Related reading: Stop Yelling at Your Kids Using This Simple Trick

Part of the problem is that my kids wake up at 6am-ish. School doesn’t start until 9:15. That three-hour gap facilitates a lot of time to play as well as ample time to put off listening to me.

And so we entered into power struggles over:

  • Getting dressed in a timely manner,
  • Cleaning up their toys,
  • Getting their backpacks ready,
  • Putting their shoes on, and
  • Getting out the door.

I started prepping for the day the night before but that didn’t resolve the issue of getting my kids to listen. All that did was allowed me to get closer to them while repeating myself.

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You find you get caught in power struggles with your kids or you repeat yourself endlessly and your kids don't listen, these strategies are for you. The kids neglect their responsibilities and you feel like you can't avoid yelling. Here you will find practical parenting tips on how to get kids to listen.

My kids weren’t listening. But finally I figured out how to get my kids to listen.

How to lay the foundation to get kids to listen

Start with connection.

When I started reading, Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, I found part of the solution. In her book, Dr. Laura Markham recommends spending 10 minutes each day doing a child-directed activity of their choosing. This decreases sibling rivalry and improves kids listening. Because there is so much time before school, my husband and I started asking each child what they want to do. Then, we break off to colour, do puzzles or dress Barbies uninterrupted.

Let them know your expectations and the plan.

Before we engage in a child-directed activity, my husband and I let our kids know how long it will be for and what they have to do when they’re done. Often it’s only ten minutes, but it’s still ten quality minutes before the day gets going. In general, kids listen better when they know what’s happening and when.

Empathize.

When children struggle with transitions empathy is key.

For example, one day my daughter didn’t want to go to school at all. Instead of telling her to get ready again and shutting down her feelings, I told her I understood. I also tried mirroring her intensity.

My six-year-old: “I hate going to school. I’m not going”

Me: “I know I wouldn’t want to go either!”

Her: “I just want to keep playing with my Moana toys and never go to school again!”

Me: “Your Moana toys are so fun and leaving them is no fun at all!”

Our exchange went back and forth like that as she made her way over to her rain pants, got her boots and jackets on and we were out the door.

Other powerful strategies to get kids to listen

Related reading: Your kids will listen if you do THIS

While all of these strategies have helped our family, I was still repeating myself way too much and my kids weren’t meeting their responsibilities until I started using this one strategy.

The surprising way to get kids to listen without repeating yourself

While breastfeeding the baby one night, I picked up my very neglected copy of How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and How to Listen so Kids Will Talk. I like to read one chapter, set it aside and focus on what the authors have said for a while. Then I come back to it. But I had left it too long. When discussing household chores and responsibilities, the authors suggested an unorthodox approach. Instead of telling children to clean up right away, they wrote it is more effective to ask your child when he will complete what’s required of him.

As a parent who has never done this before, I immediately thought, “Won’t that just snowball us into needless negotiations?”

Skeptical, I still decided to give it a try.

One morning, I asked my daughter, “When are you going to get dressed?”

She paused to think for a moment. “Uh… five minutes?”

“Okay,” I agree. “I’ll set the timer.”

The timer went off and much to my surprise, my strong-willed daughter went upstairs without incident.

Since that morning weeks ago, I’ve used this strategy as often as I can remember. Sometimes, I have to remind my kids, “You said you would put away your toys when you were done watching Pokemon.” Other times, one of my kids will suggest an unrealistic timeline. But in those cases, all I need to do is to say that won’t work.

I love this strategy because I’m barely repeating myself and the only time I do find us regressing back to our old ways is when I forget to enact these strategies. They have been immensely helpful for us and I hope they help you too!

To download a cheat sheet with many of these strategies, sign up for my newsletter by clicking here.

Other articles you may find helpful:

How to Stop Yelling at Kids Using One Simple Strategy

Your Kids Will Listen if You Do This

How to Discipline a Child: Why Scientist Say This is the Best Approach

Parenting a Strong-Willed Child: This is the key to doing it right

How Negative Language Impacts Children and What to do Instead

Filed Under: Positive Parenting Strategies, Posts Tagged With: how to get kids to listen, how to talk so your kids will listen, kids will listen, positive parenting strategies, positive parenting tips

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Hi! I'm Alana. When I'm not nursing cold, stale coffee, I usually can be found with the baby on my hip, barefoot, and racing after my two older kids. Thanks to a degree in psychology and a free-range childhood backing onto an expansive evergreen forest, positive parenting and play-based learning are my passions. Read more here.

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Alana-Parenting From The Heart
Every. Day. Via Matt Beaudreau Every. Day.

Via Matt Beaudreau
I remember in my earlier days of parenting when I I remember in my earlier days of parenting when I had two under two so much of my life was spent thinking I’ll be happy when…

I’ll be happy when they sleep through the night.

I’ll be happy when my husband doesn’t have to work such late hours.

I’ll be happy when I look and feel like myself again and not a feeding troth 😬😬😬

As it turns out this struggle with finding happiness isn’t unique to me or parenting. 

Collectively our mental health is suffering, but there are many research backed ways to improve happiness. (Link in bio to read more).
♥️♥️ via Heather Shumaker ♥️♥️

via Heather Shumaker
THIS. 🙌🙌 (Follow Maryfairy Boberry) THIS. 🙌🙌 (Follow Maryfairy Boberry)
👣 via @creativechildmag 👣

via @creativechildmag
via Happy as a Mother 🙂❤ via Happy as a Mother 🙂❤
Though there are countless people who understand t Though there are countless people who understand the importance of positive, responsive parenting, the idea that young children should self-soothe remains a prevalent belief.

Though this ideology is well-intentioned, it actually goes against what we know about human development.

Babies come into the world highly dependent on responsive caregiving not only for nurturance and protection but also to foster social and emotional development.

While it may seem that leaving a child to cry will help her learn to cope, it actually floods her brain with cortisol. She doesn’t learn to self-soothe but instead to shut down.

Though it may seem counterintuitive to some, independence is fostered through responsive care. The less stressed a child feels, the safer he feels to explore his world. The less stressed he feels, the more appropriate his emotional responses become.

This is first seen in late infancy but pervades through childhood and adulthood.

Have any questions about these findings? Feel free to comment below or send me a message!
❤️❤️❤️❤️ Teach Through Love ❤️❤️❤️❤️ Teach Through Love
via @unconditional_parenting. via @unconditional_parenting.
via The Outnumbered Mother via The Outnumbered Mother
❤❤❤ ❤❤❤
😂 😂
So often independence and attachment are thought t So often independence and attachment are thought to be mutually exclusive.
However, research shows that in order for children (and adults) to be independent, they need to feel safe and secure within their closest relationships. In childhood, this means having caregivers who respond to distress and both emotional and physical needs.
In adulthood, people who have responsive and caring partners feel more stable and comfortable being independent.
So hold and comfort those babies.
Hug and respond to your kids.
Love and hold space for the adults you are closest to.
Attachment fosters independence.
Absolutely this. Via Living FULL Absolutely this. Via Living FULL
🙏🙏🙏 (Couldn't help but laugh at that last 🙏🙏🙏
(Couldn't help but laugh at that last one)
via Scary Mommy
Love this so much! via Nourishing Our Children Love this so much! via Nourishing Our Children
Yes 👏👏👏 via @DissociativeDiaries Yes 👏👏👏
via @DissociativeDiaries
via Domari Dickinson via Domari Dickinson
🙏🙏🙏 (Couldn't help but laugh at that last 🙏🙏🙏
(Couldn't help but laugh at that last one)
via @scary mommy
"This year, I changed my assessments by adding a p "This year, I changed my assessments by adding a piece of paper at the end, asking, 'What else do you know about the topic, that I didn’t ask you about?'

Another teacher suggested this idea online about a year ago – I wish I could remember who it was! – and I thought, 'BOOM. I want to do this.'

Answering the question is completely optional, and when students do show more understanding on the sheet than they did on their assessment, I’ll point it out to them. Sometimes I’ll write, 'The learning wasn’t shown in your assessment, but I can see you do know this from what you wrote at the end.'

Afterward, I’ll follow up with them about how to recognize and answer test questions asked in different ways. Clearly, in cases like this, they understand the material but aren’t able to formulate an answer in response to the way I posed the question. I’ll point out to them that while it’s great that they’ve shown me their learning, they won’t always have a chance to answer assessment questions in an open-ended way, and I want them to succeed when they encounter assessment-style questions in the future.

I love what this change has done. This strategy has made my assessments more inclusive. It helps me communicate to my students: When I assess your understanding, I’m looking for what you DO know."
—Teacher Julie Arsenault via @teacher2teacher
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