• Home
  • About
  • Shop
  • Sign Up For My Newsletter
  • Contact

Parenting From The Heart

a place for parents who aren't perfect but are trying their best

  • Pregnancy & Babies
  • Parenting Toddlers
  • Young Children
  • Tweens and Beyond
  • Education
You are here: Home / Life Lessons / Our Mother-Daughter Dance
Our Mother-Daughter Dance

November 1, 2015 By Alana Pace 21 Comments

Our Mother-Daughter Dance

When societal pressure has gotten to me, the rhythm of our mother daughter relationship has gone off course.

 

If I could have preconceived my one and only daughter, I would have conjured her up. After a textbook first cry, my sweet girl came out into this world and it all made sense. There was no epiphany just a calm realization that everything was right. As I sat in my hospital bed, a faded blue gown hanging off of me, I didn’t have a forecast of her future. I simply held her present moment well. The restless nights with a newborn were not the jarring experiencing I had braced myself for. There were no screams, no cries. She would softly wake me and I would nurse her. It was if we were in this very primitive dance. She subtly cued me and I took her lead. There was a harmonious rhythm that she and I kept. Our symbiosis was never something I took for granted but was always grateful for each moment that it carried on.

As her will got stronger and she grew into the true nature of toddlerhood, she could no longer be described as placid. More and more, there have been episodes that have certainly put my parenting skills and patience to the test. However, my intuition and her cues have remained in sync overall. She indicates her needs and, as if I can read her, I execute an effective course of action. The harmony of our relationship has only truly been offset when I have let my instinct be overruled by others’ influence. The first time it happened, it was the result of reading a parenting book. It stressed that after six weeks of age, babies should not need to nurse more frequently than every 3 hours. If they nursed any more than that, it meant they weren’t getting the hind milk. In having them nurse for a longer duration and delaying the next feeding, the problem would eventually be resolved. The book seemed credible and nursing less frequently had its appeal. So, I followed the author’s instructions verbatim. Long story short, my incredibly contented girl became increasingly unsettled. The only reason I thought we had a problem was because the book told me so, not because she or I had any issues.

Since that initial incident, I have remained steadfast in my parenting practices. In the rare circumstance that I have felt impacted by unsolicited parenting advice, this has been my mantra: “The path to successful childrearing is as varied as the parents and children on it. No one knows my kids better than me.” Still, there have been times I’ve mistaken my instinct for sensitivity. And in those times, I have let social pressure and others’ opinions sway my natural course of action.

 

When societal pressure has gotten to me, the rhythm of our mother daughter relationship has gone off course.

 

Most recently, our rhythm has been off. Really, really off. It all started shortly after the start of preschool. Preschool is something she so desperately wanted to attend. And, the program she is in is one I see immense value in. Each day, she eagerly awaits, “Time to go to school.” When we arrive, she bounds from the car and bounces into class. I have to remind her to say goodbye as she leaves me in the dust. Despite her affinity for it, when she gets into the car after school, she has a vile disposition. She shouts and cries. My cooperative, heartfelt child isn’t the girl I have known how to respond to. I scramble for an empathetic and firm course of action. I try to distract with songs, stories, and gimmicks. Nevertheless, I find myself hostage in a car a non-compliant, shrill child.  And my heart breaks. Because full-day kindergarten starts at age four (or in the case of kids who have birthdays after Labour Day, age three) in our new city, we felt it was important she had an intermediary step between being at home full-time and in school full-time. Moreover, as my daughter has blossomed into a social, empathetic little girl, it has become increasingly apparent that transient encounters at the neighbourhood playground were not enough to satisfy her requests of “Do you wanna be my friend?” We wanted her to actualize her desire for increased autonomy, challenge, and friendships.

The program she is in is wonderful, but is five half-days a week. My immediate reaction when I found out the schedule was that it was too much. Yes, there are many kids her age who attend daycare five days a week. However, my daughter attending preschool is meant for her benefit and is not a necessity. When met with the teacher before school started, I expressed concern. She assured me that students do well with the daily schedule because the learning is play-based and it’s consistent. The extensive ways absences are recorded also persuaded me into bringing her each day. Though I gave it a shot, it isn’t working. In taking a step back from it all, I realize listening to my gut and her reactions is where we have always found the best tempo. She wants to be in school, but every single day doesn’t serve her well. Additionally, I don’t want my only full days with her to be on weekends. And, I can tell she misses her alone time with me when her brother naps. Do I feel badly for not fully following through on our commitment to be at school every day? Yes. I would ideally like to do everything right. Ultimately though, the harmony of our relationship and in our household is more important than anything else.

 

Did you enjoy this post? Click the banner below to cast a vote for my blog.

Filed Under: Life Lessons, Positive Parenting Strategies Tagged With: daughter, Life Lessons, motherhood, mothering a daughter, Parenting, preschool, preschooler, toddler

Subscribe to get the latest

free goodies straight to your inbox

Previous Post: « Why Chalkola Markers Are Our New Favourite Product
Next Post: 8 Ways To Promote Gratitude When Life Isn’t Easy »

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Tiffany says

    November 1, 2015 at 11:08 pm

    What a wonderfully articulate post of exactly what we as mothers face every day- the choice between what others say is right and what we know is best in our hearts. A delicate dance indeed. Wonderfully said!

    Reply
    • Alana says

      November 1, 2015 at 11:44 pm

      Thank you so, so much ❤️❤️❤️

      Reply
  2. mamabyfire says

    November 1, 2015 at 9:15 pm

    I love this so much Alana! So beautifully written! I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a twinge of jealousy when you described the bond you and your daughter had from her birth. My sweet girl and I had to work at our initial bond. School has proven to be a difficult transition for us as well. And after hearing about your struggles, I’m glad you have come to a decision. I hope things calm down a bit for you and you get your sweet little lady back.

    Reply
    • Alana says

      November 1, 2015 at 9:51 pm

      I am grateful for that immediate bond. Though I do know when you’ve worked for something, sometimes you appreciate it more. Bonding after a c-section is definitely less likely too. Thanks so much for such a thoughtful comment❤️

      Reply
  3. Twitchetts.com says

    November 2, 2015 at 12:01 am

    Beautifully said! I have had friends in the past ask me question after question about motherhood, breastfeeding, their kids sleeping habits, etc and I almost always make sure that I remind them mama knows best! A mothers intuition is key. Like you said no one knows your kiddo like you.

    Reply
    • Alana says

      November 2, 2015 at 1:21 am

      I agree! Thanks so much for your comment ❤️❤️❤️

      Reply
  4. workingmommagic says

    November 2, 2015 at 6:21 pm

    It is always hard when it comes to making choices for our kids… I think just trusting your gut is the best thing to do!!

    Reply
    • Alana says

      November 2, 2015 at 8:14 pm

      Thanks so much, Lauren ❤️

      Reply
  5. Stefanie / The Monarch Mommy says

    November 3, 2015 at 2:29 am

    This is really great. My oldest son started preschool this year, and has become more difficult too. I’ve attributed it to him turning 3 and his baby brother’s arrival this past summer.

    Reply
    • Alana says

      November 3, 2015 at 3:38 am

      Both of those reasons make a lot of sense! Transitions are hard for toddlers!

      Reply
  6. Cindy Calzone (Hometown Queen Bee) says

    November 3, 2015 at 2:55 am

    I enjoyed your post. I like reading about parents experiences with their daughters…I only have one child, a son…always wanted a daughter too. Thanks for sharing.

    Reply
    • Alana says

      November 3, 2015 at 3:38 am

      Thanks so much for reading, Cindy!!!

      Reply
  7. kchiavarone says

    November 3, 2015 at 2:56 am

    I just adore everything you write, I dreaded Mack starting 5 days this year (for 2 hrs a day) not even for his sake but for mine, I miss him! Momma always knows best, I love how in tuned you are to your own emotions are well as those of your children. Well done 🙂 and I LOVE that mantra

    Reply
    • Alana says

      November 3, 2015 at 3:39 am

      Thank you so much!!! That means so much coming from you!!! Want to know something funny? I was on your blog when you wrote this ❤️

      Reply
  8. thecrunchymommy says

    November 3, 2015 at 3:12 am

    So beautiful… You guys sound so much like mini and I…

    Reply
    • Alana says

      November 3, 2015 at 3:40 am

      Awwww!!!! Thank you!!! And ABC has given you a run for your money? Lol. My son has at least…

      Reply
  9. Bev Feldman (@Linkouture) says

    November 3, 2015 at 9:57 am

    Oh no, I remember how you were talking about on Periscope awhile back about your daughter going to school every day and the emotional struggle that came with that. I’m sorry to hear that this transition has thrown off your rhythm. I too would have a hard time sending my daughter in every day, especially if it was throwing things off with our relationship with one another. It sounds like you ultimately know what to do and what’s best for your daughter. She’s lucky you are so in-tuned with her!

    Reply
    • Alana says

      November 3, 2015 at 2:39 pm

      Thank you so much for your THOUGHTFUL comment Bev and your empathy <3 I really appreciate it!

      Reply
  10. Mommy A to Z says

    November 4, 2015 at 2:55 am

    Love this, Alana! You’re so right, you have to trust your gut! My little guy goes five half-days, but I have to have him there because I work part-time. It’s a big adjustment, though. Pretty soon they will be in school full time… so if you have the opportunity to spend some full days together, I think that’s great!!

    Reply
    • Alana says

      November 4, 2015 at 1:49 pm

      I think half days work for many and if I worked part-time, or if she was transitioning better, then we would likely do the same. Thanks so much for reading and for your comment ❤️

      Reply
  11. Shelah says

    January 28, 2016 at 5:06 pm

    This is such a beautiful post. I had a similar experience with my daughter. You are so wise to trust your heart and your intuition. Remember that parenting advice is for the masses. It may not really apply to your situation and your daughter.

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Primary Sidebar


Hi! I'm Alana. When I'm not nursing cold, stale coffee, I usually can be found with the baby on my hip, barefoot, and racing after my two older kids. Thanks to a degree in psychology and a free-range childhood backing onto an expansive evergreen forest, positive parenting and play-based learning are my passions. Read more here.

Stay up to date

Join me on Instagram

parentfromheart

Alana-Parenting From The Heart
♥️♥️ via Heather Shumaker ♥️♥️

via Heather Shumaker
THIS. 🙌🙌 (Follow Maryfairy Boberry) THIS. 🙌🙌 (Follow Maryfairy Boberry)
👣 via @creativechildmag 👣

via @creativechildmag
via Happy as a Mother 🙂❤ via Happy as a Mother 🙂❤
Though there are countless people who understand t Though there are countless people who understand the importance of positive, responsive parenting, the idea that young children should self-soothe remains a prevalent belief.

Though this ideology is well-intentioned, it actually goes against what we know about human development.

Babies come into the world highly dependent on responsive caregiving not only for nurturance and protection but also to foster social and emotional development.

While it may seem that leaving a child to cry will help her learn to cope, it actually floods her brain with cortisol. She doesn’t learn to self-soothe but instead to shut down.

Though it may seem counterintuitive to some, independence is fostered through responsive care. The less stressed a child feels, the safer he feels to explore his world. The less stressed he feels, the more appropriate his emotional responses become.

This is first seen in late infancy but pervades through childhood and adulthood.

Have any questions about these findings? Feel free to comment below or send me a message!
❤️❤️❤️❤️ Teach Through Love ❤️❤️❤️❤️ Teach Through Love
via @unconditional_parenting. via @unconditional_parenting.
via The Outnumbered Mother via The Outnumbered Mother
❤❤❤ ❤❤❤
😂 😂
So often independence and attachment are thought t So often independence and attachment are thought to be mutually exclusive.
However, research shows that in order for children (and adults) to be independent, they need to feel safe and secure within their closest relationships. In childhood, this means having caregivers who respond to distress and both emotional and physical needs.
In adulthood, people who have responsive and caring partners feel more stable and comfortable being independent.
So hold and comfort those babies.
Hug and respond to your kids.
Love and hold space for the adults you are closest to.
Attachment fosters independence.
Absolutely this. Via Living FULL Absolutely this. Via Living FULL
🙏🙏🙏 (Couldn't help but laugh at that last 🙏🙏🙏
(Couldn't help but laugh at that last one)
via Scary Mommy
Love this so much! via Nourishing Our Children Love this so much! via Nourishing Our Children
Yes 👏👏👏 via @DissociativeDiaries Yes 👏👏👏
via @DissociativeDiaries
via Domari Dickinson via Domari Dickinson
🙏🙏🙏 (Couldn't help but laugh at that last 🙏🙏🙏
(Couldn't help but laugh at that last one)
via @scary mommy
"This year, I changed my assessments by adding a p "This year, I changed my assessments by adding a piece of paper at the end, asking, 'What else do you know about the topic, that I didn’t ask you about?'

Another teacher suggested this idea online about a year ago – I wish I could remember who it was! – and I thought, 'BOOM. I want to do this.'

Answering the question is completely optional, and when students do show more understanding on the sheet than they did on their assessment, I’ll point it out to them. Sometimes I’ll write, 'The learning wasn’t shown in your assessment, but I can see you do know this from what you wrote at the end.'

Afterward, I’ll follow up with them about how to recognize and answer test questions asked in different ways. Clearly, in cases like this, they understand the material but aren’t able to formulate an answer in response to the way I posed the question. I’ll point out to them that while it’s great that they’ve shown me their learning, they won’t always have a chance to answer assessment questions in an open-ended way, and I want them to succeed when they encounter assessment-style questions in the future.

I love what this change has done. This strategy has made my assessments more inclusive. It helps me communicate to my students: When I assess your understanding, I’m looking for what you DO know."
—Teacher Julie Arsenault via @teacher2teacher
Oh my goodness. THIS. via @showerarguments Oh my goodness. THIS.
via @showerarguments
Absolutely love this. via @the_therapist_parent Absolutely love this.
via @the_therapist_parent
Load More… Follow on Instagram

Footer

Privacy policy

Terms | Conditions | Privacy Policy

Let’s Connect

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Google+
  • Instagram
  • Pinterest
  • Twitter

Looking for something?

Copyright © 2022 · Market Theme On Genesis Framework · WordPress · Infinus

12 shares