To the unknowing eye, positive parenting can be mistaken for permissive parenting. This is because positive parents forgo the use of punishment and listen to their children’s feelings. Here is the crucial difference between the two parenting styles.
My daughter and oldest son were in the throes of a heated argument when a store attendant got uncomfortably close to us.
Moments earlier, my kids and I had stopped at the grocery store for three items.
We needed yogurt, almond milk, tomato soup and we’d be outta there.
As we speed-walked past the cookie aisle, my daughter spotted emoji cookies.
“Mama, can we get some puleez?”
I paused. It had been a while since we had had sweets in the house.
“Sure,” I answered.
My son lept for joy. “Yaaaaaaay! Emoji cookies!”
At that moment, my daughter realized there was more than one flavour and swapped the vanilla out for chocolate. This change of cookie plans was not what my son bargained for. Instantly, they entered into a screaming match. That’s when the attendant in the wine section took a meter-sized step away from her kiosk in our direction.
The lady stood uncomfortably close to my children’s feud.
Ignoring her blatant surveillance, I crouched down to my daughter’s level and asked if she would switch back to vanilla.
“But I really want chocolate!”
Still squatting, I turned to my son. “You’re pretty angry she switched the cookies, aren’t you?” He nodded as his frustration started to dissipate. “How about next time we choose cookies for the family, you get to decide?” He smiled and nodded. As I stood back up and turned back to my cart, the spectating sales associate made eye contact with me and shook her head. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” she said and then resumed her post.
This wasn’t the first time someone had disapproved of my parenting style.
The fact I don’t punish my children has been the subject of unsolicited criticism before. For instance, my neighbour implied I should spank my son because he was upset he had to take his bike home from the park. And, I have heard more than once that my strong-willed daughter would benefit from harsh punishment and stricter parenting.
In the absence of punishment, outsiders sometimes assume my parenting is permissive.
As someone who uses positive parenting, I do my best to forgo the use of:
- traditional timeouts,
- grounding,
- spanking,
- yelling,
- scolding,
- threatening,
- chastising,
- shaming, and
- power exertion to get my children to listen.
Many seem to think that permissive parenting exists in the absence of punishment. They view positive and permissive parents as one in the same.
Related download: Here are Effective Strategies to Get Your Kids to Listen
What behavioural science tells us…
Developmental psychology has established four distinct styles of parenting and only one relies on punishment.
- Authoritarian parenting (or strict parenting) uses lecturing, punishment, threats and shaming to get children to obey. It is a high discipline, low warmth style of parenting.
- Neglectful parenting is ambivalent to the moral and emotional development of the child. The parent tends to turn a blind eye towards a child’s behaviour whether it is difficult or favourable. It is low warmth, low discipline.
- Permissive parenting avoids punishment and discipline. Parents who fall into this category on tend to avoid conflict because they don’t want their child to cry or get upset. They see appeasing the child’s desires as more practical than enforcing boundaries. This parenting style is high warmth, low discipline.
- Authoritative parenting or positive parenting is the parenting style of parenting recommended by developmental psychologists as parents set and reinforce boundaries. They are responsive and kind. This parenting style is high discipline, high warmth.
Related reading: The best and worst consequences for moral development
Positive or authoritative parenting accepts all feelings while disciplining behaviours. Credit: Donnie Ray Jones.
This is why positive parenting can be mistaken for permissive parenting
As previously mentioned, authoritative parenting avoids punitive disciplinary measures. To the unknowing eye, this style of parenting seems permissive. Many of us have been raised to believe that forcing children to comply is the best way to parent. (Countless studies prove otherwise.) In addition to omitting punishment, authoritative parenting can seem permissive because parents:
- listen to their children when they’re upset,
- acknowledge their feelings,
- take into account what their children have said,
- do not punish feelings,
- answer the children’s questions about why they are being disciplined, and
- are affectionate and attentive.
Fostering empathy, the ability to identify with another person’s feelings, can serve as an antidote to aggression and is crucial to good parenting.
– M. Gordon
This is how positive parenting differs from permissive parenting
Permissive and positive parenting differ in one key way – teaching. Authoritative parents abandon arbitrary punishment to teach their children. Permissive parents tend to appease the child. Using the grocery store example, if I had chosen a permissive approach to the conflict over emoji cookies, I would have bought both vanilla and chocolate.
Instead, a positive approach seeks both understand and coach the child while maintaining boundaries. They understand that discipline is best executed from a place of calm.
Related reading: How to discipline a child. Why science says this is the best approach.
In kind, these parents accept that, like adults, children experience a wide range of emotions. And, as such, it is the responsibility of the parent to teach constructive ways to deal with challegning emotions.
For example, they don’t use phrases like, “Stop crying,” or “Calm down.” Instead, they help their children find the words they need to express themselves, deep breathe, release their anger in ways that won’t hurt others or damage property, and how to convey what they need in a functional way.
Additionally, positive or authoritative parenting establishes rules and expectations proactively. Then, if the child fails to make good choices, discipline makes sense.
For instance, on a road trip, we will discuss that the trip will take a long time, we will take breaks, and that the kids have to keep their bodies to themselves.
If they don’t listen, we will pull over to the side of the road and wait until they are ready to listen.
Or, another example is that if one of them is loud while we’re in the library, I will take them to the foyer and remind him to use an inside voice. I let him know we can’t go back into the library until he’s ready to use an inside voice.
Related reading: How to execute positive parenting from a position of strength
When we go to the library, I remind them to use quiet voices. If they don’t listen, I remove them from circle time. Photo credit San Jose Public Library
Related reading: Why Saying ‘Calm Down’ Doesn’t Actually Work (and what to say instead)
A final note about parenting styles
Parenting styles aren’t absolute. As is the case with all aspects of life, there are moments where we can be ambivalent about our children’s poor choices because we’re exhausted or yell at them out of frustration. Positive parents aren’t perfect parents. They are parents who strive to learn more and do better.
What the wine kiosk attendant failed to see is what goes on behind closed doors. In abandoning traditional or colder forms of punishment, we are teaching our children how to cope with disappointment and make good choices. We explain to our children why they are being disciplined and follow through when they’ve made a bad choice.
That day, my kids went home and both enjoyed the chocolate emoji cookies. That afternoon, my daughter turned to my son, “Hey, next time, remember, it’s your turn to choose!” My son who was already smiling shone with pride. “You’re right. I don’t know what I’ll choose!” The more my husband and I coach our children, the more I’m noticing they are internalizing our values and responding to our guidance. Positive parenting is about the long game and it warms my heart to see the pieces start falling into place.
Related reading on positive discipline
How to execute positive parenting from a position of strength
Scolding undermines effective parenting. This is why.
The best and worst consequences for moral development
How to discipline a child: Why science says this is the best approach
Cecilia Matta says
Don’t worry you’re not alone. I’m from the Philippines. My parents disciplined my sisters & I without spanking, without harsh words, nor punishment. We’re very close to them. My sisters & I use the same parenting style as what our parents showed us. We call it Discipline with Love. In the school where our kids study, that’s what the school teaches the parents to do and that’s what most of my co-parents prefers too. There are many of us who has the same parenting style.
Alana Pace says
I absolutely love how you call it discipline with love. Thank you so much for your comment and for reading.
Ruth Quiring says
Hello. I really like the positive parenting approach. My husband and I as grandparents are helping our single Dad son in a wheelchair, raise his now 3 1/2 year old son. What I get confused about is how to handle my grandson’s behavior when iit is inappropriate, for instance throwing his toys when he gets frustrated or angry, or screaming loudly when he doesn’t like something. I totally understand not using punishment and acknowledging his feelings, giving him a hug etc. But how to let him know throwing things is not acceptable when he is angry. I can say that but he just keeps throwing. Or let out a blood curdling scream when something upsets him.
Leila says
In the example you gave about a toddler throwing toys a positive parenting action could be A) pick him up and remove him from the situation while maintaining your calm “You are upset, and it’s okay to be upset. It’s not okay to throw toys, we could hurt someone or break the toy. Let’s sit over here and do deep breaths/talk about what made us upset/etc and when you feel calm you can keep playing.” B) Take the toy away with kindness and calm “I can see you’re upset. I don’t want this to get broken or anyone to get hurt so we will put it up here while we calm down.” Utilize calming strategies. C) recognize the sights of fatigue/overwhelmed kiddo and offer an out “It looks like you might need a break/snack/book read to you/etc, let’s go do that.” Once the initial crisis is passed and you’re in a calm moment talk about why the feeling is okay and the action isn’t the best way to get help with the feeling. Strategize about what could be done next time he feels upset, for example seek out an adult and ask for a hug, do deep breathing, etc. Keep that conversation ongoing You’re right that just saying “We shouldn’t throw.” doesn’t do anything. Addressing why he’s throwing, while making clear that he’s not going to get to keep on throwing is effectively doing something, without punishing him for the act of throwing. Reinforcing when he chooses differently (like if he took a deep breath, asked for a hug, etc) is a great way to shape that direction. What’s most important is not shutting down the “unacceptable” behaviour, but helping him to figure out what’s going on and respond differently.
Kristel Teh says
Hi! My husband and I are first time parents, we’ve discussed before that we wanted to do the positive way of parenting because we want our child to have a more open communication/relationship with us and his future siblings. But, honestly, dealing with a very assertive toddler is difficult, I find myself getting frustrated in some days and I actually yell at my 17 month old son for not listening/obeying me. I feel like I’m turning into a dictator and I hate it. My heart always crush to pieces whenever I see his face when I get mad at him —-scared, sad, and crying. Anyway, we’ve already had a one-on-one session with a preschool teacher to help us better our parenting style and I’m so glad to find your article about it! It encourages me to do better and actually eases the feeling that we’re not alone in this crazy world of trying-to-be-good-parents. Thank you.
Alana Pace says
Very assertive toddlers are difficult. You have my world of empathy. Good for you for working with a preschool teacher. In my earliest days of parenting, an early childhood educator was my lifeline when I wasn’t sure if I was being too strict or too lenient. If ever you have any questions and think I could help, feel free to let me know. We also have a parenting group on facebook for support and encouragement. You can check it out here.
Anonymous Auntie says
Hello, I just wanted to say that this is a fantastic article and thanks so much for posting it and sharing your experiences! I truly think the world could become a better place if we all strove towards positive parenting, even though we may occasionally lose our tempers or roll over and permit behaviors we really shouldn’t. I grew up with two loving parents who believed in giving my brothers and I plenty of freedom and reasoning with us rather than telling us “because I said so!” Of course, they’re not perfect either, and occasionally they did lose their tempers and perhaps even spoiled us sometimes (haha) but for the most part they were/are good parents. Now I am not a parent myself but I am an aunt and I like to occasionally read child-rearing articles like these so I can be better prepared to help raise and babysit my nephew. I was wondering, however, if you might have any advice for dealing with the guilt that comes with disciplining children. As you said in your article, no one wants to be a permissive parent (or caretaker!) But I always feel badly about letting my nephew (who’s still a baby but currently able to walk and learning how to talk) cry. I know I need to be firm and tell him no when he tries to play with things he isn’t allowed to play with or that are dangerous, but I struggle with feeling guilty afterwards. I also am very gentle with my nephew because I’m terrified of hurting him, but sometimes this causes problems for me, because sometimes you do have to be a little rough with kids. For example when pulling them away from something dangerous, like a hot oven, Or another example: holding their hand and not letting them run off when in a public place like a library or supermarket. Do you have any advice for how I can stop feeling guilty and stop being afraid of hurting my baby nephew? Thanks again for writing this article and if you have any advice I’d be extremely grateful! P.S. To be honest, being too gentle was an issue for me back when I took martial arts, too. I’d often find my punches and kicks weren’t hard enough because I was afraid of hurting my training/sparring partner, lol.
Jessica says
I absolutely LOVE this! I am trying to take this approach with my very stubborn 3 year old but Im finding it really hard to not get fustrated. Thank you for sharing this.
AP says
“Authoritative parenting or positive parenting is the parenting style of parenting recommended by developmental psychologists as parents set and reinforce boundaries.”
This premise is false. Authoritative parenting is NOT the same as positive parenting. Please don’t distort facts to make your personal choices appear scientifically acceptable.