How to raise children well without the use of scolding or lecturing

Did you know that lecturing or scolding undermines the effectiveness of our parenting? Find out why as well as how to raise your children well without the use of scolding, chastizing or lecturing. These positive discipline techniques are rooted in the most current research on the brain and child development.

I am a recovering serial lecturer.

Maybe it’s because of my staunch Catholic upbringing or that scolding was a common practice in the generation I grew up in. Maybe it’s a combination of both. Either way, when my children misbehave, my knee-jerk reaction is to pontificate.

For example, when my children are running late for school, I will do my best to drill into them a sense of urgency.

“I told you to get ready. When you don’t listen, we run late. You know you should good listening. Get up off the floor, put your Beyblades away, and get dressed, please.”

And, when they aren’t cleaning up, not only do I remind them to clean up, I tell them they need to do a better job of appreciating their possessions.

“You were supposed to clean up. When you leave your toys around, they can get ruined. It also shows a lack of respect for your belongings. You know how you have trouble finding all the pieces for your lego friends? This is why.”

Or, when the kids fight, I will preach the importance of kindness.

“Why did you hit your brother? We keep our hands to ourselves and use our words. You’re a good kid and should know better. Look, he’s crying. What are you going to do to make it better?”

Later in the day, it continued on…

When I had their undivided attention, like in the car, I would do my best to illustrate different examples of morality and explain how to resolve the situation we just faced.

For quite some time, even though it wasn’t yielding the results I wanted, I genuinely thought I was taking the best course of action. I wasn’t yelling or making global attributions about my children. Simply, I was telling them what they had done wrong, the natural consequences of their actions, and how to respond in the future.

However, I was sorely mistaken.

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Five reasons scolding undermines our ability to raise children well.

Slowly, it is starting to sink in how counterproductive lecturing really is. Not only do my children appear to shut down, but there are also several other reasons that scolding inhibits my ability to raise my children well.

1. When disciplining children, fewer words are more effective.

In their book, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk, authors Faber and Malzich illustrate how less talking is, in fact, more. They use examples such as a child forgetting to put away his shoes. Instead of bombarding the child with reasons the shoes should have already put away, the authors suggest simply saying, “Shoes” is a sufficient reminder. Upon testing it out with my own children, I realized fewer word reminders didn’t just do the job, they produced better results.

2. Most of the time, children are aware of their mistakes without a sermon.

Unless it’s a newer situation or mistake, children know when they have faltered. When I reflect on raising my own children, this makes perfect sense. They know that they need to get dressed before school, clean up when asked, use kind words and not hurt others. Because of this, lecturing is, at best, redundant, and, at worst, harmful.

3. Lecturing reinforces a reactive state of mind.

Though intended to teach, scolding increases defensiveness. As a parent lists off the repercussions of a child’s choices, the child’s brain is no longer in balance. As described by Siegel and Bryson in their book, The Yes Brain Child: How to cultivate courage, curiosity and resilience in children, lecturing pushes a child out of a receptive mental state. Instead, her brain’s sympathetic system is triggered. Her heart rate accelerates, her breath becomes shorter and her body is tenser.

When I apply this to myself, I think of how I would feel if my husband saw something I forgot to do and chastised me. Let’s say I forgot to return the library books. My husband sees this and berates about late fees and how forgetful I tend to be. Instead of feeling inspired to get the books back, I feel threatened, belittled and disrespected. When I lecture, chances are my children feel the same.

4. Misbehaviour is communication. Lecturing fails to identify the child’s issue and fails to collaborate to find a solution.

Many parents assume that the goal is to extinguish unwanted behaviour, to make it stop or go away. But remember, behaviour is communication. And problematic behaviour is actually a message, where our kids are saying, ‘I need help building skills in this certain area. I can’t do this well yet.’ So the primary focus, when our kids are struggling should be not on getting rid of bad behaviour… but on figuring out what we want to add – the skills to handle things better next time. – Dr. Daniel Seigel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, The Yes Brain Child: How to cultivate courage, curiosity and resilience in children

In his book, The Explosive Child, Greene explains that chronic behaviour issues aren’t poor choices but skills that are lagging. The best recourse is to identify where the child has issues following rules and expectations. For instance, I should find out what triggers my child and when it is that he doesn’t listen? Then, Greene advocates that the parent and child work together to find ways to bridge the gap between what the child is struggling with and what the parent’s expectations are.

Now, when my children argue, I refrain from separating them or telling them what to do. Instead, I help give them the words to express how they’re feeling. When I do, tensions dissipate quickly.

5. Moralizing undermines the development of morality.

In her lecture about developing morals in children, ethics professor, Heesoon Bai explains that a child is no longer a moral agent when she is coerced into behaving a certain way (1). This means that when I overload my children with that I want them to do, I am pressuring them to act a certain way which undermines their development of moral reasoning.

Based on this, here are several powerful strategies to raise children well without the use of scolding.

Model the behaviour you want to see in your children.

In her lecture about moralizing versus modelling, Bai states that the most powerful means to impart morals is to embody them (1). In their research about the developing brain, Siegel and Payne Bryson echo this, stating that skills develop largely through experience and modelling. They state that where attention goes, neurons fire and establish connections within the brain (2).

So this means:

The more I model calmness, resilience, and kindness, the more I wire my children’s brains to do the same. In-kind, if my children never have experiences related to these traits, their brain will slowly prune away the parts of the brain that would execute those traits (2).

Explain your rules and consequences.

Though scolding is ineffective, parents should still explain expectations and consequences. Just as we must strive to operate in between permissive and authoritarian parenting, it is necessary to find the sweet spot in between scolding and indifference. As such, we should include our children in the rule-making process, have regular discussions about expectations, and explain why rules exist.

So this means, instead of scolding, I should:

Embody what I want to see in my children – I need to address their meltdowns with calmness and patience for them to develop these skills. Instead of chronically complaining, I need to highlight the positive in my life.
Front-load by telling my kids what is expected of them beforehand.
Answer any questions about the existence of expectations as they come out.
Demonstrate the values that are important to me such as volunteerism, reaching out and supporting the less fortunate, taking care of the environment, and living a healthy lifestyle.

Understand that the best lessons happen calmly and collectively.

When heart rates are up and everyone is tense, no one is receptive to listening and learning how to behave better. Instead, it is my job to wait for better times and more effective ways to communicate. Conversations are best when everyone is calm and that involve dialogue between the parent and child (3).

So this means, instead of scolding, I should:

Acknowledge how my children feel in the moment. For example, “It’s okay to be mad.”
Problem-solving together. For instance, “It’s okay to be mad. How can you tell people you’re angry without hurting them?”
Build skills slowly to bridge the gap between misbehaviour and my expectations. For example, “I like how you suggested deep breathing and saying, “I’m mad,” when you feel your anger to start to take hold. Let’s practice that breathing every night before bed so it becomes more automatic for you.”
Acknowledge my children’s efforts when they get closer to meeting expectations. For example, “I know that was hard to keep your hands to yourself. Instead, you yelled ‘I’m mad.’ You really made an effort there.” Even though it’s not the ideal expression of anger, it’s an improvement from what my child was doing before.
Scaffold my child’s behaviour. For instance, the moment I see my daughter about to get angry, I can walk over to where they are and offer help finding the words to express themselves.
Offer reassurance. For instance, I can say, “I will stay with you both until you feel the argument has been resolved.”

A final note on raising children without the use of scolding

Because of my propensity to lecture, it has taken a lot of effort to see and fix the error of my ways. And, I still make mistakes and get off track. The most important thing for me is to remember why scolding is ineffective and what does work better. Not only do my children listen and behave better, but our relationship is stronger because I am responding to them with the kindness and respect I want them to have for others.

Additional reading that will help you execute positive discipline

The Yes Brain Child: How to cultivate courage, curiosity and resilience in children

How to Discipline a Child: Why Science Says This is the Best Approach

Parenting a Strong-Willed Child: This is the key to it all

Research says this is how to execute positive parenting from a position of strength

Why Punishment is Ineffective and What to do Instead