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You are here: Home / Positive Parenting Strategies / Parenting Toddlers / 10+ Effective Strategies to Mitigate Difficult Toddler Behaviour
10+ Effective Strategies to Mitigate Difficult Toddler Behaviour

October 17, 2017 By Alana 48 Comments

10+ Effective Strategies to Mitigate Difficult Toddler Behaviour

When you’re faced with difficult toddler behaviour, it can be painful. You simply want to move forward with your day, yet your child is digging in his heals or throwing a tantrum. Find positive parenting tips that will mitigate meltdowns and willfulness.


I had just got back from a feeing yoga class.

Having worked on handstand more than any other pose, I left light, playful, and kiddish. My regular week in the mommy trenches didn’t feel as weighty and I felt like I could really breathe. Earlier that day, I had come across a video on how to make mini candy apples. I capitalized on my kid-free time to pick up the ingredients.

I made my way through our front door, sweaty, smiling, my arms filled with grocery bags ready to surprise my kids. I had barely gotten through the door when I was met with a meltdown.

“You missed Mama?”
I scooped up my son.

He settled only to realize his sister had found the mini M&M’s in one of the bags I had brought in. I set him down and offered him the chocolate chips from the same bag. Incensed at this pathetic attempt at compensation, he tried to swat them away. “Gentle touches, please. If you don’t want these why not ask if you can trade for the M&Ms?”

Now he was on the ground crying.

I brought him in my arms and hugged him. Crying persisted. Long story short, we ended up in his room for a calm down together and no candy apples were made. I could argue that he is in the process of getting his molars in. And, he just got a cold, but who am I kidding?! This kid turned two at the beginning of the summer and is definitely expressing his autonomy and upset in a shrill way.

Parenting toddlers through tantrums is no easy feat.

One of my favourite developmental theories touches on this period of toddlerhood. Erik Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development offer a wonderful framework from which to see toddler tantrums, resistance, crying, and other difficult toddler behaviours. In a nutshell, toddlers want to express their independence from you, show their preferences, and demonstrate their will for the first time.

So when my toddler arches his back when getting into his carseat or insists on only drinking out of the red cup, he isn’t trying to push my buttons or be disobedient. Instead he’s started to taste independence and wants to continue working on this skill. The desire to express autonomy can override all reason (to the point of tears and tantrums) but is developmentally appropriate and important.

That said, it certainly isn’t easy.

These tried and true positive parenting tips help work through those difficult toddler moments. They are based on psychology research and my experience raising two toddlers.

Related reading: This is why you shouldn’t punish tantrums and here’s how to respond instead

Toddlerhood really is both the best and worst of times. Here are over 10 tips on parenting through difficult toddler behaviour that are centred in positive, empathetic parenting, toddler tantrums

Positive discipline strategies for parenting toddlers

sad toddler boy crying on floor

 1. Set expectations by front-loading (letting them know expectations ahead of time)

Not only does this help set kid(s) up for success because they know what is expected from them in a given context, it also helps them make sense of potential discipline if their behaviour calls for it.

For instance, this past week, I took both kids to a children’s museum. Knowing my daughter loves to flit from station to station without warning and because I was there without another adult to track her, I told her beforehand that she had to say, “Changing Mama” before she went anywhere. When we got inside, I had to take her aside two separate times to remind her of the expectation. Due to our conversation before, she didn’t react to me stopping her play because she knew she had made a mistake. The rest of the afternoon went off seamlessly.

1. Avoid negative language & give other options

Here is something that gets under my skin. I am at a restaurant, I ask something like, “Do you have a whole wheat option?” and they answer “No.” What I like so much more is an answer like, “Unfortunately, we don’t but if you are looking for something healthier, I love ____” The message is the same: they don’t have the option I was looking for. However, highlighting what options they do have rather than just shutting me down creates a very different experience. Do I think you should edit every word you say or not say ‘No’ to your child? Of course not.  But, I do make a point of trying to tell my kids what they can do when they propose something that won’t work.

 2. Choose your battles

The goal of my parenting is to help my children become critical thinkers as well as law-abiding citizens. As such, I have non-negotiables such as dress appropriately for the weather (my daughter has been trying to wear heavy cotton pants and sweaters in the middle of summer), wear your seatbelt, and sit down at the table when eating. But, I have wiggle room on things like matching clothes, who clicks the seatbelt, and the occasional floor picnic at dinner time.

3. Give two options with the same outcome

This is one of the simplest tips for parenting through difficult toddler behaviour. Giving two options with the same outcome makes a toddler feel in control. Meanwhile, you get them to agree to do what you would like done. For example, “Do you want to put on your shoes or have mama put them on?” or “Would you like to clean up now or in two minutes?” Same result different answers.

Related reading: Parenting a Strong-Willed Child? This is how to do it right

4. Give warnings and use a timer

Imagine if you were out for dinner at a friend’s house having a blast and suddenly your spouse interrupts you mid-conversation and says, “We are leaving now,” ushers you away from your friend, and out the door. The car ride home would likely be a poignant discussion if not an argument. Likewise, kids do best when you preempt the end of fun with a warning. I find using a timer is the best indication of when to leave because it isn’t arbitrary. When I say, “One last slide,” my kids tend to put off that last slide for as long as imaginable.

 7. Choose natural or logical consequences 

Consequences that are a byproduct of their choices or are directly tied to them are shown to lead to better internalized moral reasoning. Natural consequences stem from the behaviour and aren’t imposed by the parent. For instance, when my daughter doesn’t want to wear her jacket, I suggest she stand on the porch for a few minutes. Each time she comes in and grabs her jacket.

Sometimes natural consequences are too risky and a parent must impose consequences.

Examples include:

  • running with scissors: loses the use of scissors
  • hitting a child at the park: must sit to the side of the park for a timeout with mom or dad.

 Related reading: Why Punishment is Ineffective and What You Can Do Instead

8. Empathize & paraphrase

Feeling heard and understood is one of the most valuable gifts we can give our kids especially when they’re acting out. So much of difficult toddler behaviour, or kids acting out in general, is simply them not having the words or the self-awareness to verbalize how they are feeling. In paraphrasing their feelings, they feel heard and can process their emotions more readily (read more from Child Psychologist, Dr. Laura Markham on this subject here). Paraphrasing also helps them develop the language to “use their words.”

 9. Hug it out

When kids are screaming crying, it may seem counterintuitive to hug them. The majority of the time, I’ve noticed this softens them and helps them feel okay faster. There are times where their tantrums are more physical and as a result, it’s better to give them space.

10. If it’s not negotiable, don’t enter into negotiations

When you’ve set them up for success and you’ve given them a lot of empathy, and they still aren’t listening, remember not to negotiate. Sometimes it is best to disengage. Entering into a power struggle will only make matters worse. As a last resort, take a timeout.

11. Get present, and if you can, get outside

More often than not, I have found tthat the most difficult behaviour arises when I’m preoccupied or rushed. Sometimes dropping or postponing what’s on my to-do list, getting present and some fresh air solves everything. Being outside has a way of regulating both parents and children alike.

12. Wait it out

When possible, waiting for the emotional storm to pass can be the best course of action. The crying will end and simply being there and loving a toddler through their big feelings is the quickest way through it.

Shortcuts generally don’t work. Saying, “calm down” only intensifies the reaction. Often the best course of action is to deep breathe and wait for cooperation.

In situations where time isn’t a luxury, parents can still help their toddlers work through their emotions. This may be something like scooping my son up, grabbing his shoes and saying, “I know you don’t want to wear your rain boots. It’s frustrating when you want to wear sandals. We have to go. It is upsetting. You can wear your sandals on the next sunny day.

For additional reading for difficult toddler behaviour, check out:

Front-Loading, Redirection & Connection: 3 Powerful Strategies for your strong-willed toddler

How to Stop Your Toddler from Hitting Without the use of Punishment

Why You Shouldn’t Punish Tantrums and What to do Instead

Why songs are one of the best ways to ease transitions for toddlers

How to Conquer Your Toddler’s Potty Training Regression

How Social Stories Will Help Your Child in the Heat of the Moment

When Your Toddler Should Stop Napping

Paediatrician says this is how to promote healthy eating in your picky toddler 

Toddler Biting? How to use positive strategies to stop it for good

FAQ about parenting toddlers

  1. What is a child considered a toddler?

    According to Wikipedia, toddlerhood is from 12 to 36-months-old.

  2. What do toddlers need from their parents?

    According to developmental psychology, when children hit toddlerhood, their main focus is establishing independence. So, on top of all of the basic needs they had as an infant – for comfort, unconditional love, safety, sleep and nutrition – they also need to feel independent. This means caregivers should support toddlers' curiosity, give options for them to demonstrate preference, allow for new challenges such as puzzle-building, going down the slide by themselves, and more.

  3. How do you discipline a toddler?

    Start by front-loading. Tell the toddler what is expected of him and what will happen next.
    Redirect negative behaviour. For example, if the child hits, show her how to be gentle or what words she could use to convey her frustration. If the child is being destructive, find toys he can stack and knock over.
    Use positive language as much as possible. Negative language, such as 'Don't do that,' requires the child to process what she shouldn't be doing and deduce what he should be doing instead.
    If the child needs a timeout, go with her and sit somewhere quiet and work on calming down together.

  4. How do you discipline a child for hitting?

    Instead of punishing, redirect the child's energy. For example, coach him to say, 'I'm mad,' or show him how to be gentle. If need be, take her for a timeout until she's calm but stay with her to help her calm down.

Filed Under: Parenting Toddlers, Positive Parenting Strategies, Readers' Favourites Tagged With: difficult toddler, parenting toddlers, positive discipline, positive parenting strategies, positive parentings tips, spirited child, strong-willed child, tantrums, toddler tantrums, toddlerhood

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. triciathegoodmama says

    September 15, 2015 at 5:52 pm

    Great tips! My son just turned two this past August so we are in the same stage. I do almost all of these with my son. I agree with you that setting expectations does wonders. I used this a lot while teaching. I have found that often times children misbehave because they don’t truly know what is expected of them (we just assume that they know). I also try to practice good behaviors, especially if we are going out somewhere. The only one I haven’t done yet is counting down. I think I might be worried about what would happen if I hit 3 and the behavior didn’t change. Even with all these strategies, toddlerhood can be a tough age! haha I’m learning as I go.

    Reply
    • Alana says

      September 15, 2015 at 5:56 pm

      I’m WITH you!!!! It is so hard and it is so smart to set expectations. I can only imagine the implications in a classroom! Counting to three with my son does nothing except get me to follow-up with him. 9/10 with my daughter it works because she’s come to learn it’s much easier to do things on her own accord rather than have mama do it for her?

      Reply
  2. Shann Eva says

    September 15, 2015 at 6:41 pm

    These are really great tips. With twin toddlers, since I am outnumbered, I find it even harder to control their behavior. They seem to feed off each other, or one will be behaving and the other will not. I love the setting expectations, and giving options other than just no. I’ve also tried hugging when tantruming, and it does seem to work. You’re “Don’t negotiate with Terrorists,” had me laughing out loud. So true!

    Reply
  3. Megan VW says

    September 15, 2015 at 8:45 pm

    Love all 10 tips! We count down from 5 a lot with our 4yo. It really helps prevent yelling.

    Reply
  4. Christine - The Choosy Mommy says

    September 15, 2015 at 6:34 pm

    These tips are spot on. My daughter just turned 3 and I hate to say it, but it just didn’t get any better yet. Terrible threes…or so I have heard. “No” is a really big deal in our house and we try to give options rather than say “no”. Redirecting is also huge as she tends to just get stuck on one thing and won’t stop (whether it is food, or clothes or whatever!) so we need to redirect her onto the next thing, like coloring or playing with the dogs or something else!

    Reply
  5. rebecca (@RebeccaXOXO_) says

    September 16, 2015 at 1:27 pm

    These are wonderful tips.I have two toddlers.. a one and a two year old. And I can say, I go a bit crazy at times with their behavior. The one year old is very much worse than my two year old with it though. I’m going to take some of this advice and see if it helps ease our days a bit more smoother.

    Reply
  6. mommyinsports says

    September 16, 2015 at 3:24 pm

    I love the timer idea and need to add that in pronto! Thanks for these wonderful tips!

    Reply
  7. workingmommagic says

    September 16, 2015 at 8:57 pm

    I love this whole list.. especially the offering two options.. that one always works for me.

    Reply
  8. hungryforbalance says

    September 18, 2015 at 6:00 pm

    Great tips! My daughter will be 2 in a few months and we are struggling with the tantrums right now.

    Reply
  9. Rebekah SurvivingToddlerhood says

    September 19, 2015 at 10:22 pm

    I love these tips Alana!
    Some that I try to use with my boys are setting the expectations and choosing consequences that fit the action. My youngest is told several times a day that he needs to use words instead of noises. Usually I can just tell him once and he will respond with words, other times it takes a little bit more work on my end. I also try to remind him to ask for help if something is frustrating him rather than start a fit.

    Reply
  10. twitchetts.com says

    September 21, 2015 at 12:36 pm

    Loving all of these tips! We try really hard to stop and take Deep breaths. I think I need those as much as she does!!

    Reply
  11. shelahmoss says

    September 22, 2015 at 12:32 am

    What great tips! Number 1 worked well with my daughter and so did number 10. I use that one at work all the time!

    Reply
  12. Jules Ruud says

    September 22, 2015 at 1:21 pm

    These are some great tips! My toddler is giving me a run for my money right now. Personally I am a huge fan of hugging it out and for Caleb it helps when we take deep breaths. Fresh air too. I have to admit, I found it a little strange that taking a quick step outside could calm him down in an instant. Anyway, these are awesome and just what I needed to read today.

    Reply
  13. michelle says

    September 28, 2015 at 6:46 pm

    I have two boys 3&4 18months apart and boy i tell ya they sure give me a hard time espeically my 3year old ,sometimes i just wanna cry they drive me crazy but at the end of the day they cuddle me and love on me it makes it all better 🙂

    Reply
  14. tarametblog says

    October 11, 2015 at 7:22 pm

    Thanks for these tips! Always good reminders and I like the timer idea 🙂

    Reply
  15. Kathryn says

    May 28, 2016 at 8:15 pm

    Great tips! I am a pre-K teacher of 4 and 5 year olds, so a lot of these I was using in my classroom already. My husband, being new to dealing with children, has to be reminded sometimes to give a direction and not ask a question. ( example: “Time to put your toys away” instead of ” Can you pick up your toys now?”) I find that not giving them the option to say no is helpful.
    I also find that in the middle of a meltdown, I can usually turn things around if I start singing, dancing, or doing something funny. It distracts then long enough to be able to rationally listen again (as rationally as a toddler can listen!) My son will be 2 tomorrow and we’re going through some trying times with him now, but hoping to make it to the other side unscathed… To be closely followed by my daughter who is 2 months! God, give me the strength!

    Reply
  16. Christie Fernandez says

    July 31, 2016 at 4:44 am

    I have twin boys 14 months old and they are exhibiting terrible 2 behavior already. Which is very frustrating for me, because they really don’t talk yet. How can I discipline or “reason” them when they can’t express themselves clearly. L.M. shakes his head no when he doesn’t want to do something and has tantrums, L.J. is also very clear about what he likes or doesn’t like. My Problem is when they behave negatively how do I get them to understand without losing my cool.

    Reply
    • Alana says

      July 31, 2016 at 4:10 pm

      Christine, I too find it difficult. For instance, my son SCREAMS when even the smallest thing is off to show how upset he is. For myself, I try and remind myself that a lot is beyond their developmental abilities. I also am honest with my kids about how I’m feeling, “Mama is getting very frustrated right now.” No matter what, it isn’t easy. And to be honest, I don’t know a parent who has never yelled or never struggled with feeling exasperated with parenting.

      Reply
  17. Emily Bresin says

    August 5, 2016 at 12:40 pm

    These are fantastic tips. I have used a lot of them in my past working as a preschool teacher. I especially like giving two options that have the same outcome. It gives the little one that sense of control that they crave! My own daughter hasn’t quite reached the toddler tantrum stage yet, but I have a feeling these tips will come in handy for us soon.

    Reply
  18. Jewel Eliese says

    October 25, 2016 at 3:59 pm

    Great tips! I have actually told my son (he was clueless) I do not negotiate with terrorists. Haha!

    Reply
    • Alana says

      October 25, 2016 at 8:58 pm

      Hahaha. It doesn’t register on mine either 😉

      Reply
  19. Rachel @ Messy Stork says

    November 15, 2016 at 9:23 am

    I do like no.7. I default to time out way to often. I’m going to try this later next time I turn into shouty mama!!

    Reply
    • Alana says

      November 15, 2016 at 3:25 pm

      Rachel, I can relate. I default to tactics that don’t exactly work all that well when parenting through difficult toddler behaviour. Parenting isn’t easy especially when you’re tired and dealing with the same issue over and over. Thanks so much for reading!

      Reply
  20. Saroja B says

    November 10, 2017 at 9:36 am

    Great one. Happy to read through all the instructions as each of them are the day to day issues the parents face. The special one is “Do not get into negotiation if it is not negotiable”. Liked the idea behind giving them two options. Thank you for sharing the great parenting tips.

    Reply
  21. Suzanne Riddiford says

    February 21, 2018 at 12:15 pm

    Awesome hints Thank You!!
    Im going to practise these as a Grandma!

    Reply
  22. Amber says

    April 2, 2018 at 5:45 pm

    I absolitely love these ideas. I try counting down from five with my 3 year old and then we talk through the problem. I’m attenpting it with my 1.5 year old but she doesnt understand it yet. I must remember the rest of these practices though.

    Reply
    • Alana Pace says

      April 13, 2018 at 11:28 am

      Thank you so much for your comment about parenting your own toddlers. I love your strategies and I agree a 1.5-year-old is much more difficult to talk it out with. I have a fourteen-month-old and he’s very vocal 😉

      Reply
  23. Naina says

    May 9, 2020 at 5:13 am

    Hi
    I like the blog. Indeed, It will help parents to handle their toddlers tantrums. One should handle their child’s anger & tantrum very calmly & wisely, because our harsh behavior can impact on child’s growth. Even you can take help from parenting coach, they will help you to improve your parenting skills.

    Reply
  24. Vijayshree Guru says

    June 1, 2020 at 2:10 pm

    First of all, let me take this opportunity to say thanks to you for sharing such an informative article to Mitigate Difficult Toddler Behaviour. For a first time mother like me, this article is like an elixir for life. I got to know so much about dealing with my tiny toddler in an effective manner.

    Reply
  25. Naveen rajput says

    July 12, 2020 at 3:17 pm

    I am going to be a dad in next month , Thank you Alana for sharing such an helpful article about parenting . Many tips i have found which i have to follow for a better parenting . I found here for what i was looking for . .Really loved this amazing blog

    Reply
  26. Fiona says

    July 31, 2021 at 1:37 pm

    Wow, so this is what is going to happen? I’m sleep training John right now and he’s starting having some weird tantrum-like moods lately. I hope sleep training (with this book I loved https://www.parental-love.com/shop/toddler-sleep-training ) will help somehow, at least in the evenings! Since I believe the over-tiredness is the main trigger for now.

    Reply

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Hi! I'm Alana. When I'm not nursing cold, stale coffee, I usually can be found with the baby on my hip, barefoot, and racing after my two older kids. Thanks to a degree in psychology and a free-range childhood backing onto an expansive evergreen forest, positive parenting and play-based learning are my passions. Read more here.

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I’ll be happy when they sleep through the night.

I’ll be happy when my husband doesn’t have to work such late hours.

I’ll be happy when I look and feel like myself again and not a feeding troth 😬😬😬

As it turns out this struggle with finding happiness isn’t unique to me or parenting. 

Collectively our mental health is suffering, but there are many research backed ways to improve happiness. (Link in bio to read more).
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Though there are countless people who understand t Though there are countless people who understand the importance of positive, responsive parenting, the idea that young children should self-soothe remains a prevalent belief.

Though this ideology is well-intentioned, it actually goes against what we know about human development.

Babies come into the world highly dependent on responsive caregiving not only for nurturance and protection but also to foster social and emotional development.

While it may seem that leaving a child to cry will help her learn to cope, it actually floods her brain with cortisol. She doesn’t learn to self-soothe but instead to shut down.

Though it may seem counterintuitive to some, independence is fostered through responsive care. The less stressed a child feels, the safer he feels to explore his world. The less stressed he feels, the more appropriate his emotional responses become.

This is first seen in late infancy but pervades through childhood and adulthood.

Have any questions about these findings? Feel free to comment below or send me a message!
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So often independence and attachment are thought t So often independence and attachment are thought to be mutually exclusive.
However, research shows that in order for children (and adults) to be independent, they need to feel safe and secure within their closest relationships. In childhood, this means having caregivers who respond to distress and both emotional and physical needs.
In adulthood, people who have responsive and caring partners feel more stable and comfortable being independent.
So hold and comfort those babies.
Hug and respond to your kids.
Love and hold space for the adults you are closest to.
Attachment fosters independence.
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Another teacher suggested this idea online about a year ago – I wish I could remember who it was! – and I thought, 'BOOM. I want to do this.'

Answering the question is completely optional, and when students do show more understanding on the sheet than they did on their assessment, I’ll point it out to them. Sometimes I’ll write, 'The learning wasn’t shown in your assessment, but I can see you do know this from what you wrote at the end.'

Afterward, I’ll follow up with them about how to recognize and answer test questions asked in different ways. Clearly, in cases like this, they understand the material but aren’t able to formulate an answer in response to the way I posed the question. I’ll point out to them that while it’s great that they’ve shown me their learning, they won’t always have a chance to answer assessment questions in an open-ended way, and I want them to succeed when they encounter assessment-style questions in the future.

I love what this change has done. This strategy has made my assessments more inclusive. It helps me communicate to my students: When I assess your understanding, I’m looking for what you DO know."
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