We tend to underestimate how negative language impacts children. Find out why it is a less effective form of discipline and very basic alternatives below.
My three-year-old son can be strong-willed and vocal. But, most of the time, he is open to reason.
That all changed three weeks ago.
We had come back from celebrating Christmas out of town. As if playing Santa, (setting up a KidKraft dollhouse is no quick feat), packing up our two young ones and travelling wasn’t enough, I am very pregnant. I
mean pregnant to the point that people think I’m due any day even though I’m not.
Once home, my kids showed signs of being overstimulated from all of the holiday excitement. Sibling rivalry consumed our household. My daughter wanted space. And my son took that as a challenge to see how many buttons of hers he could push.
Related reading: Stop Sibling Rivalry Using These Ridiculously Simple Strategies
And I was bone tired and resorted to parenting from the couch.
“Stop bugging your sister!”
“Don’t touch her.”
“You can’t jump on the furniture.”
“Stop. it. now!”
Soon, every time I got down to my little boy’s level and opened my mouth, I was met with the word, “STOP!”
I took a step back and evaluated my approach.
I tried reacting more thoughtfully. In my mind, I was using every positive parenting strategy in the book. But he continued to stonewall me. I was at a loss.
Then, I had a lightbulb moment.
It took me way too long, but I realized the error of my ways. He was speaking to me the way he was being spoken to.
One morning, exasperated, I made a pact with my kids. “We’re going to stop saying ‘Stop.’ It isn’t helping any of us. So, if Mama says, ‘Stop,’ one of you need to remind me that we don’t talk that way. If one of you say, ‘Stop,’ I will remind you.”
Almost immediately, both of my children found more positive wording to express how they were feeling.
Related reading: Here are Effective Strategies That Will Get Your Kids to Listen
Guess who got caught saying ‘Stop” far too much?
Mmmhmm. It was me.
It reinforced my previous idea that negative language impacts children negatively. I was sorry I had been so oblivious.
How Negative Language Impacts Children
Negative vs. Positive Language
Research has shown that negative language does more harm than good. The reason? Discipline worded negatively is much harder to understand.
‘Stop’ on its own tells a child nothing. He left to deduce what he shouldn’t be doing and what he should be doing. For preschoolers and toddlers, that’s asking too much.
Now, some may argue we should simply add what they should stop doing to the word stop. However, by being specific, we are only resolving half of the issue. We still haven’t told our children what they should be doing. As a result, we are requiring our children to double-process. This means a young child must discern what they should and shouldn’t be doing. Moreover, negative language becomes discouraging to children. When they constantly hear what they are doing wrong, it can feel futile to try to do right.
On the other hand, positive language tells them what to do instead and eliminates confusion. It reinforces good behaviour, is clear, and requires that the parents put more thought into their discipline. In truth, when we default to the same phrases, our children are more likely to ignore us.
Related reading: Stop Yelling At Your Kids With This Simple Trick
Alternatives to Negative Language
- Don’t run – Walk, please.
- Stop touching your sister – Hands to yourself.
- Don’t throw toys – Please keep your toys on the ground.
- Stop interrupting – You want to talk to me. Wait one moment, please.
- Leave him alone – Come over here and play.
- Don’t take out all your toys – Let’s clean up what you were playing with before taking anything else out.
- Don’t hit – Only gentle touches, please.
- Stop yelling – Quiet voice, please.
- Calm down – Take a deep breath. (You can find 14 more alternatives to saying calm down here.)
- You’re doing bad listening – Look at my eyes. I need good listening.
- Stop picking your nose – Go get a Kleenex, please.
Related download: Positive Parenting cheatsheets including positive alternatives to common negative phrases
Finding a way to say ‘yes,’ goes a long way. For instance, instead of answering, “No you can’t have a cupcake now,” saying, “After dinner, you can have a treat,” is much easier to digest. The message is different, the outcome the same.
Does this mean we should never use negative language?
When children are inundated with negative language they feel like they can’t do right and also find it more difficult to listen. It’s best to try and phase discipline positively. But that isn’t to say that we should omit negative language altogether. Simply, we need to try our best and use it sparingly.
shelahmoss says
As a parent, it can be difficult to swallow the negative words before they come spewing out of the mouth. As a play therapist I only use positive language. That was the best lesson my profession has taught me. The children always respond better to being told what they should do rather than what they are doing wrong.
natalietanner says
Great ideas! I blog about traveling with the kids and making it educational. I find that traveling is the perfect time for parents to try new things and practice those things that sometimes feel overwhelming during the very busy normal life. I’m passing this great list on!
Alana says
Thank you so much! That is a great idea to try new ideas out while travelling.
Nalene says
How do I tell a 6 yr old to complete all his work at school without telling him negetively that, he didn’t complete his work at school.
Alana says
That’s a really good, loaded question. I would approach it by asking questions about why he might be having a hard time getting work done – so that it’s phrased in a way of wanting to help understanding what is going on and how they can help. By being heard, he will likely feel more receptive to what you have to say. Talking to the teacher to get insights on what IS and isn’t working could help too. I hope that helps a bit.
Marko @ Parent Support Hub says
Great article! Researchers have found that toddlers hear the word “no” up to 400 times a day. How would you feel if you heard “no” that often, day after day? I think I would give up after a while. If I can’t please you, I’m not even going to try. 🙂
Taylor Greenwald says
Great read! I never thought about it this way, but I’m going to have to try this out. I already do some of these naturally, but most of them are great suggestions! Thanks! ?
Emma @ Our Whimsical Days says
Oh, I have so been there…often! I used to say to my daughter, “Try looking with your eyes open!” It wasn’t until she repeated it back to me that I realized how dismissive and rude it was. Love this post!
Clarisse Hughes says
Thanks for this!!
Anita says
I didn’t even think of that 😮
Amanda says
As a teacher, for me it would depend on the frequency. If it’s a habit for the child, maybe some negative language is needed.
Personally, if kids are given the chance to “explain” why they aren’t doing something they know they should do, they start coming up with reasons just to please you. It’s the same as when they’re telling a story and start to add onto it. I’d listen to maybe two reasons if they have them, then reinforce that your child is in charge of their own actions. Maybe Billy was being distracting, but you can choose to focus on your work. Make a plan on what to do if a child distracts them again, and then follow up with it if that reason comes up again!
Big thing I see a lot is parents listening to their kids and being so worried about negative impact on emotions that their kids are never held accountable. Don’t let clog posts like this keep you from being straight with your little one.
Negative =/= wrong or mean.
Alana Pace says
I appreciate you prompting clarification. Positive phrasing is easier to understand and follow than negative language. The positive discipline is about being more clear and more upfront with children. It is also congruent with best teaching practices.
Anna says
I think saying please is important, but I’ve noticed sometimes the request gets ignored if I add a please. To the point where I have to explain that please doesn’t mean I’m not serious. It means I’m showing respect and I expect that reciprocated. How can I say please without it being seen as an optional request?
Alana Pace says
This is an excellent question. In the book, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and How to Listen so Kids Will Talk, the authors actually recommend omitting please because they say it makes the direction sound more like a request/ weakens what you’re saying to them.
In my own home, I still use ‘please.’ For example, ‘Get on your shoes, please.’ Then, if they say they don’t want to, I respond by either empathizing – “I know it’s hard to stop playing and leave. It’s time to go.” Or, “I know it’s hard to leave. You do need to put your shoes on now. You can play more when we come home.” If it goes on from there, I inform them I didn’t ask if they wanted to get their shoes on and wait for compliance. I hope that helps. Please let me know if you have any additional questions.
Mandy says
The authors recommend omitting “please” because it makes the direction sound like a request??? Really?! Everything you ask your children to do IS a request! Even if you tell your children that they don’t have an option, they always have an option. You can tell your child there will be negative consequences for not doing what you want them to do, but they still have the choice to take the consequences. Personally, because I want to teach my children how to be polite adults, I will always use “please” in hopes that my children will always use it too.
Mike Miller says
I found this very informative. The reason that brought me to this site is for my concern on how we communicate with my 4 year old niece. I constantly notice my sister telling my niece (her daughter) to stop doing things to the point were she totally kills her mood. My older sister watches my niece during the day while her mom is at work and i see the difference in her behavior and overall attitude. My niece is happy, playing , and having fun as she should then her mom gets home and i just hear her crying or not behaving. It would be nice if these articles could have an easy print option for that i can show her. Thanks for all the great insight tho