We tend to underestimate how negative language impacts children. Find out why it is a less effective form of discipline and very basic alternatives below.
Typically, my three-year-old son is strong-willed and vocal. But, if I listen to how he’s feeling and explain myself, he is very reasonable. That is, until a few weeks ago.
Just after Christmas, I found myself especially exhausted. This pregnant momma was wiped after playing Santa, playing Elf (setting up a KidKraft dollhouse is no quick feat), packing up our two young ones and heading out of town to spend time with family.
Once home, my kids showed signs of being overstimulated from all of the holiday excitement. Sibling rivalry consumed our household. My daughter wanted space. And my son took that as a challenge to get closer, to no end.
Couch ridden, I resorted to using the word stop way, way, way too much.
“Stop bugging your sister!”
“Stop touching her.”
“Stop jumping.”
“Stop. Stop. Stop.”
Soon, every time I got down to my little boy’s level and opened my mouth, I was met with the word, “STOP!”
I took a step back and evaluated my approach.
I tried reacting more calmly, more thoughtfully, more empathetically. Honestly, I thought I was trying every positive parenting strategy in the book. Still, he was stonewalling me. I was at a loss.
It took me way too long, but I finally realized the error of my ways.
Light bulb moment.
He was mirroring my speech. More importantly, he was speaking to me the way he was being spoken to.
One morning, exasperated, I made a pact with my kids. “We’re going to stop saying ‘Stop.’ It isn’t helping any of us. So, if Mama says, ‘Stop,’ one of you need to remind me that we don’t talk that way. If one of you say, ‘Stop,’ I will remind you.”
Almost immediately, both of my children found more positive wording to express how they were feeling.
[Related reading: Your Kids Will Listen if You do THIS]
Guess who got caught saying ‘Stop” far too much?
Mmmhmm. It was me.
It hugely reinforced my previous idea that negative language impacts children negatively. I just felt sorry I had been so oblivious.
How Negative Language Impacts Children
Negative vs. Positive Language
Research has shown that negative language actually does more harm than good. The reason? Discipline worded negatively is much harder to understand.
‘Stop’ on its own tells a child nothing. He left to deduce what he shouldn’t be doing and what he should be doing. For preschoolers and toddlers, that’s asking too much.
Now, some may argue we should simply add what they should stop doing to the word stop. However, by being specific, we are only resolving half of the issue. We still haven’t told our children what they should be doing. As a result, we are requiring our children to double-process. This means a young child must discern what they should and shouldn’t be doing. Moreover, negative language becomes discouraging to children. When they constantly hear what they are doing wrong, it can feel futile to try to do right.
On the other hand, positive language tells them what to do instead and eliminates confusion. It reinforces good behaviour, is clear, and requires that the parents put more thought into their discipline. In truth, when we default to the same phrases, our children are more likely to ignore us.
[Related reading: Stop Yelling At Your Kids With This Simple Trick]
Alternatives to Negative Language
- Don’t run – Only walking, please.
- Stop touching your sister – Hands to yourself, please.
- Don’t throw toys – Please keep your toys on the ground.
- Leave him alone – Come over here and play.
- Don’t take out all your toys – Let’s clean up what you were playing with before taking anything else out.
- Don’t hit – Only gentle touches, please.
- Stop yelling – Quiet voice, please.
- Calm down – Take a deep breath. Find 14 more alternatives to saying calm down here.
- You’re doing bad listening – Look at my eyes. I need good listening.
- Stop picking your nose – Go get a Kleenex, please.
[Related reading: What We’re Missing When it Comes to Positive Discipline]
Finally, finding a way to say ‘yes,’ goes a long way. For instance, instead of answering, “No you can’t have a cupcake now,” saying, “After dinner, you can have a treat,” is much easier to digest. The message is different, the outcome the same.
When it comes to how we discipline our children, our words matter. Negative language impacts our children negatively. And, we want to accomplish our discipline as effectively as possible. Positive language and positive discipline are the most effectual course of action.
Exit intent
11 thoughts on “How Negative Language Impacts Children & What I’ve Learnt”
As a parent, it can be difficult to swallow the negative words before they come spewing out of the mouth. As a play therapist I only use positive language. That was the best lesson my profession has taught me. The children always respond better to being told what they should do rather than what they are doing wrong.
Great ideas! I blog about traveling with the kids and making it educational. I find that traveling is the perfect time for parents to try new things and practice those things that sometimes feel overwhelming during the very busy normal life. I’m passing this great list on!
Thank you so much! That is a great idea to try new ideas out while travelling.
How do I tell a 6 yr old to complete all his work at school without telling him negetively that, he didn’t complete his work at school.
That’s a really good, loaded question. I would approach it by asking questions about why he might be having a hard time getting work done – so that it’s phrased in a way of wanting to help understanding what is going on and how they can help. By being heard, he will likely feel more receptive to what you have to say. Talking to the teacher to get insights on what IS and isn’t working could help too. I hope that helps a bit.
Great article! Researchers have found that toddlers hear the word “no” up to 400 times a day. How would you feel if you heard “no” that often, day after day? I think I would give up after a while. If I can’t please you, I’m not even going to try. 🙂
Great read! I never thought about it this way, but I’m going to have to try this out. I already do some of these naturally, but most of them are great suggestions! Thanks! ?
Oh, I have so been there…often! I used to say to my daughter, “Try looking with your eyes open!” It wasn’t until she repeated it back to me that I realized how dismissive and rude it was. Love this post!