Parenting a strong-willed child is full of ups and downs. These children are outspoken, prone to power struggles, sensitive and even more likely to have meltdowns. At the same time, they’re born leaders, dynamic, and a tremendous source of pride for their parents. Here you will find the key to raising strong-willed children successfully without breaking their spirit including powerful positive parenting strategies.
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I remember the first time my daughter showed me just how strong-willed she is. She was about two-months-old. Healing from a c-section, I spent most of my intermittent free time reading parenting books. I wanted to be the best mom possible and as such was doing my best to absorb and apply all the information I could. I tried to put her on a schedule rather than demand-feeding her because she was nursing at one-hour intervals.
Well, I tried what the book said verbatim.
The result?
My budding strong-willed child was irate.She knew what worked for her and she let me know loud and clear what she wanted. As soon as we went back to the rhythm that worked for her, all was well again.
Since then, I have witnessed countless episodes just like this. At four-months-old, she started arching her back if I put her into her car seat without warning.
At about two-and-a-half, she started insisting she wear what she likes.
Think gumboots on a hot sunny day. I remember one year, she decided she wanted to have a yard sale on a rainy July day. There was no amount of reason that could get her in from the rain. It took almost two hours before she admitted it wasn’t the best day to pawn our forgotten toys off on the neighbour kids. My strong-willed daughter is a girl who knows her mind and isn’t easily swayed.
But it’s not just her…
Related reading: Parenting a Strong-Willed, Sensitive Child: This is what you need to know
It turns out, I’m not just parenting a strong-willed child …
But it’s not just my daughter that’s like this, both my sons are strong-willed too.
Case in point, one day after preschool my son’s teacher told me, “Your son is so agreeable… until he’s not.”
She went on to say that she told my son to clean up toys he and his friend had been playing with. When he refused, she told him he had to sit on the class couch until he was ready to cooperate.
Apparently, this approach works in a matter of minutes with other students. However, my son was a different story. They entered into a standoff. He refused to comply. 30 minutes later, the end of the school day came and he was still on the couch.
The baby, who isn’t even two, seems to be cut from the same cloth. Just one of many examples includes our exchange yesterday. Me: “Okay, let’s get your shoes!” Him: “No, shoes! Boots!”
Related reading: These are the best books for parenting a strong-willed child
What is a strong-willed child?
You may be parenting a strong-willed child if your child:
- is challenging,
- doesn’t accept instruction at face value,
- is prone to power struggles,
- asks why often,
- is a natural-born leader or trailblazer,
- is outspoken, and
- has iron-clad focus when her heart is set on something.
The many challenges of parenting a strong-willed child
Because strong-willed children challenge authority and are fiercely determined, it is impossible to use a one-size-fits-all approach to discipline.
If you’ve tried lecturing, taking privileges away, or put them into timeout again and again, you know how futile it can be. In fact, you may often find yourself in a standoff where he or she will not comply.
The truth is, strong-willed children do not respond well to being forced to do anything. Not only that but researchers find that when any child is forced, she is no longer a moral agent. She is no longer choosing to do right. On top of that, when we try and force a strong-willed child, we are essentially asking her to push aside who she is and accept our instructions at face value. Though strong-willed children aren’t easy to parent, they are amazing children to raise.
The incredible gift of raising a strong-willed child
Though parenting a spirited child is challenging and dynamic, it is also such a rich experience. Most parents want to raise children who will stand up for what’s right and be successful. Studies have that strong-willed children are more likely to become great leaders who are willing to do the right thing at all costs.
One longitudinal study examined children’s characteristics and circumstances as predictors of occupational success. Researchers followed these children from the age of 12 through to the age of 52. And, they found children who questioned authority and weren’t obedient were more likely to earn more and be more entrepreneurial than their less spirited counterparts.
Parenting a strong-willed child: how do you successfully without breaking their spirit?
The more research that comes forward on these headstrong children, the more we learn that maintaining their spirit is the key to their lifelong success. The key to parenting a strong-willed child comes down to one crucial thing: trust.
When children feel connected to the adults in charge of them and trust they have the child’s best intentions at heart, they behave their best. Children are more likely to act out when they feel misunderstood or disconnected from us. In maintaining a spirited child’s trust, we open them up to understanding and internalizing our values and rules.
So how do we accomplish this? Positive parenting strategies are key. Below you’ll find some wonderful tips on how to reinforce or re-establish the trust between you and your spirited child.
Related reading: How to Discipline a Child: Why Science Says This is the Best Approach
This is how to discipline a strong-willed child
When disciplining a strong-willed child, start by establishing the family rules together.
Because we want to work with, not against our strong-willed child’s attributes, research favours a Socratic approach. This means:
- establish the family rules in a collaborative manner,
- answer questions about rules and expectations as they come up,
- checking for understanding in the child.
In doing this, children feel empowered, involved, and respected. Therefore, they are more motivated to listen and more understanding when disciplined.
Remember though, you are still the adult. You are still in charge and are leading the discussion and only agreeing to core rules that make sense for the family.
Make their life predictable to avoid power struggles.
Strong-willed children do not do well when their power is taken away. If they can predict transitions, there will be less power struggles.
Predictability will ease transitions. When days aren’t predictable, you can simply let your child know what the day will look like and what to expect throughout the day by front-loading. They will feel more in control and will be less prone to meltdowns.
Set clear expectations by front-loading.
Front-loading is setting expectations or explaining what will come before the heat of the moment. For example, when my kids were younger, I told them that when we got to the children’s museum they had to stay close to me and tell me before they wanted to switch stations. This prevented a lot of issues. Other examples could also be:
“Yes, we can go take a peek at the toy section, but we aren’t buying anything today.”
Or, “When we get home, the first thing I want everyone to help unload the car.”
When my kids know my expectations ahead of time, they listen better than when corrected in the heat of the moment. Using the example of unloading the car, they are more likely to cooperate and protest less than if I ask after they have left the car.
Connect then direct.
When a wilful child is engrossed in an activity, her only priority is to see it through. When a parent appreciates what the child is doing and then tells the child what to do, she listens better. For example, “I love how much work you’ve put into this drawing,” (connection) “It’s time to put away your markers and set the table” (direction). It can help to also let the child know when he can resume the activity. For instance, “After your homework, you can colour again.”
Related reading: This is How to End Power Struggles With Your Strong-Willed Child
Drop ultimatums.
Ultimatums often provoke power struggles, are a threat, and erode the trust and connection between the strong-willed child and parent.
Wait for cooperation and delay gratification.
Often, this is one of the fastest ways to get a willful child to listen. The key is to get present, remain calm but firm. Everyday examples of delaying gratification include:
- not bike riding until my child’s helmet is on,
- cleaning up before going to the park, or
- not watching TV until the laundry is put away.
When what’s next isn’t gratifying, parents must remain firm in the expectation but flexible on how the task is accomplished. In our own home, this could be:
- making cleaning up a game or competition (i.e. who can clean up faster?).
- working together.
- coming up with a plan and dividing work.
Label feelings to show you understand even if you don’t agree.
One of the greatest gifts you can give your spirited child is the acknowledgement of how he or she feels. This recognition scaffolds moving forward and creates space to understand the discipline that may follow.
Use timeouts only for extreme cases and be available for support during this time.
Timeout shouldn’t be punitive but time to calm down and regroup. There should be no timers because it could take a child seconds to calm down and be ready to problem-solve or a lot longer. With my daughter, this means going into her room with her and hugging her through her big feelings.
Then, we problem-solve together. (Find out more about time-ins/ timeouts here.) For my son, this is a bit different. I bring him into his room and tell him I am available when he needs me. When he’s really upset, he needs space. So I step aside for some time. Once he is ready for me, we hug and talk it out. Timeouts that isolate the child from the parent do more damage to their relationship than to their challenging behaviour.
Apologize when you parent out of anger.
Yelling, get mad at their crying, or showing other signs of anger can happen to the best of us. Not only does admitting we’ve done wrong model good behaviour, but it also re-establishes trust. Yelling is damaging.
Finally, when disciplining a spirited child, it’s best to avoid:
- Ultimatums, as mentioned above, as they evoke power struggles.
- Use of force as it undermines moral agency.
- Punishment and lecturing as both undermine the child’s agency, erode trust, and fail to collaboratively problem-solve.
A final note about parenting a spirited child
Parenting a strong-willed child is anything but easy. There is no quick fix. However, by parenting mindfully and maintaining my children’s sense of trust, I can promote their cooperation. Moreover, I can maintain their spirited nature and continue to raise them into strong leaders who can have a positive impact on the world one day.
Additional reading for parents you may find helpful
Parenting a Strong-Willed, Sensitive Child: This is what you need to know
Scolding undermines effective parenting. This is why.
Front-Loading, Redirection & Connection: 3 Powerful Strategies for Parenting a Strong-Willed Child
After School Meltdowns: Why they happen and what you can do about them
The best resources for parenting a spirited child
When children fight, this is the opportunity you don’t want to miss
Liz says
These were some great tips! Raising spirited children can certainly be challenging, but you made a lot of valid points that will be helpful to any parents with these exceptional kids 🙂
Alana says
Parenting spirited or strong-willed children is not easy at all <3 Thank you so much for reading and for your comment!
Erika says
Omg! Reading this just made me realize I have a very strong willed daughter and I do get upset with her when she gets upset, I feel horrible I want to be the best mom I can be for her , are there any books I can read to help me understand her? Thank you so much for this article.
Lori says
I have a strong willed ten year old daughter, and I loved “You Can’t Make Me (but I can be persuaded)” by Cynthia Tobias. I listened to the audio book and loved it! Highly recommended! We’ve also done a year of counseling, and I was amazed on how much I learned about her and how she thinks. I thought she was the whole problem and she needed all of the help, but I learned a lot of strategies to help me understand and approach her. I wish I’d done it when she was younger!
Malissa Kinnaird Files says
I parented an extremely strong willed child. He is 24 now. I can tell you that he is widely acknowledged to be one of the most respectful, respected, responsible, hard working young man people in our circles know. Raising him was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But, over the years, from various people in our lives, I received much of the advice that you give here. Sticking to it, being consistent, changed our relationship from confrontational to trusting, as you’ve said here. There is nothing to make raising this kind of child easy. Even if you have a good relationship. Settle in for the long haul. They are not going to stop being strong willed, but gradually, as they get older and have more autonomy, they will become more settled in their own skin. Getting my son through childhood and through elementary school was just that – getting him through! But, now, 24 years later, I have an extraordinary son, and, in hindsight, it was worth every minute.
Alana says
Thank you so much for your perspective on parenting a strong-willed child. It’s so nice to hear from someone who’s seen it through and can speak to how hard, but great it is. Many thanks again.
J. Sanders says
I love this. I also could have written it! My strong willed son also was quite the work out. But work we did! The biggest challenge I faced was the constant pressure from others to join them and to leave my son’s “side”. They never succeeded and I’m sure they spent plenty of time imagining how poorly it would turn out for my willful son and his “pushover” mommy. I literally wish they, everyone of them, could see him now. He is twenty 27. He was on the dean’s list for all of his college career and got his degree. He held actuary job with the state and a prominent computer company. When that wasn’t what he dreamed it would be he left and is now a commercial pilot. Expect great things from kids like this. And never, ever, let someone else tell you who your child is.
Alana says
Wow! I cannot thank you enough for this comment. I love how you described the pressure to leave your son’s side and join those who wanted you to be more severe. Love!!!
Danielle Kempf says
This gives me hope for my own strong-willed child. I keep thinking that as she gets older it will get easier to parent her, but it never does. So, hearing your words is exactly what I needed!
Derrick R says
Little late to the party here but am very interested in your son’s perspective on it all. We always cover the parenting part – because that’s who we are…but now that he’s grown…as a 24 (maybe now – a 26-27 yr old), what does he say about what he was thinking, feeling, wanting, needing during those strong-willed years? And now? Does he appreciate your (then) approach? Does he feel you set him up for success? Scarred him for life?
Just curious.
Joanna @ Motherhood and Merlot says
Apologizing when I parent out of anger is always something that I really try to be diligent with. Great post, mama:)
Alana says
I always strive to apologise for raising my voice or parenting our of anger too. It isn’t easy parenting young kids, that’s for sure. Thanks so much for reading <3
Theresa says
We found out early on that we need to give warnings about transitions. Even now that our four kids are 6 years old, it is helpful for them. I love your advice to label feelings. It gives kids an understanding and acceptance of the way they feel.
Alana says
For us too, we learnt giving warnings about transitions to be pertinent too. Thank you so much for your kind words about labelling feelings <3
Sue Parke says
I LOVE this post and I can totally relate. But I think I’m failing right at tip #1 haha! Every day is a little different for us, some days I teach or now train clients, some days I’m off and she has dance or gymnastics. I’ve never been great at giving her a routine. I do always apologize when I parent out of anger, or lose my temper when I know she’s just being a toddler and I’m not having a good day. Either way parenting can be so hard! Amazing, but hard!
Alana says
Thanks so much for commenting and relating to this post about parenting a strong-willed child. Like you, I’m not one for much of a routine either. The kids being in preschool and kindergarten respectively have made our days more predictable. One thing I strive to do is let the kids know what the day will look like and what will come next as it happens.
The Trophy WifeStyle says
These are some really great tips!!! My daughter is pretty easy going at the moment, now I’m just hoping that sticks as she gets older lol
Kids Dentist Helper Shivaun says
I can’t keep myself from raising my voice sometimes when I get mad with my kids. So I often have to come back with an apology and a tight hug. These are really helpful tips Alana, keep up the great work!
Tracy says
Our daughter was 4 hours old when I saw what she was capable of. I was a cop and dad is a natural manager, so there’s no will in her genes.
We give choices as much as possible, she chooses her own outfit for school picture day, but if she is totally wrong, we have the solution at hand with no “I told you so”, she learns best this way. For example her not wanting to wear a coat on a nice sunny day, with the temp at -4°C – I let her out without the coat, but had it ready when she asked for it, like I knew she would. She also wore pajamas to school and clothes to bed for over a year, but she was happy and followed the rules – appropriate for the weather, and bits covered.
We save the stern voice and “you WILL”, for those times they are actually required, like safety or medication. This approach has a lower rate of head-to-head battles, because we don’t MAKE her do something unless it’s necessary (and we tell her that).
We figure there will be lots of time to fight later.
Sara23 says
Good tips but what to do about discipline? I agree threats and removing privileges don’t work, so what does work when a consequence NEEDS to be given? Attitude, backtalk, defiance – what is the discipline for these behaviors?
Alana Pace says
This is such a good question. I’m in the process of reading a book about kids neurobiology. Basically, it goes through what happens in their brains when they’re backtalking, angry, defiant etc. It says that, when children are in the heat of the moment, their emotional right brain is taking over their logic. The fastest way to cut through this and get to the point where you can discipline them is to mirror back what you see. i.e. “Wow, you’re so mad at me you’re saying I’m a mean mom. You really wanted to go over to Johnny’s house/ watch one more show, etc.”
Once they’ve calmed down, then you use left brain logic. “You know you can’t yell at me. Next time when you feel that mad, I want you to take a deep breath and calmly tell me how you feel.” Or, “I want you to ask for help.” Or whatever you feel would be more appropriate.
There is a point too where it’s appropriate to use logical consequences. Some logical consequences can be – not going to the park until she’s put sunscreen on. He has to wash the walls and can’t have his markers for the rest of the day because he drew on the walls. Consequences that are directly tied to the behaviour are the most effective. Arbitrary ones like grounding, no dessert because he didn’t clean up, etc. tend to erode the parent-child relationship and can lead to more rebellion, less honesty, and less compliance over their lifetime.
Jessica says
What is the title of this book? I’d like to check it out! Knowing what is going on in my daughters brain would be such a help in difficult moments!
Alana Pace says
Hi Jessica,
I highly recommend the book. It’s called The Whole Brain Child. It’s written by an MD and PhD who specialize in child psychology. It’s been such a great read.
Tanya says
How about a child who wants to tell everyone in the family what to do, and almost acts as a bully to siblings and patents.? My 5year old often embarrasses me in public when he commands me what to do. He expresses his dominance by barking orders to his older siblings and using disrespectful tone to parents. Do you ignore it? Wait for his fit to pass and then talk about it?Validate his feelings ? How about other people’s feelings? He is such a strong alpha personality that he is totally inconsiderate of other people’s feelings. I am sometimes scared of what kind of person I am raising.
Lacy says
I was hoping to read a good answer to your question! My 8 year old son is a very smart, honor roll/straight A student will a huge strong willed personality. He is defiant at times and talks to anyone as if he’s grown, the. he isn’t even realizing it,. When I bring it to his attention he swears he wasn’t being rude or disrespectful, I am curious how to handle that type of behavior as well when it happens. What have you done or anyone reading this has done, to deal with these issues and was successful with the approach to the strong willed defiant child?
Ann says
I’ve been reading some of these comments. We are in the same situation with our granddaughter she’s a twin but they’re like chalk and cheese. She is 14 years old and her behaviour changed when she started secondary school. She has the attitude, and she talks back to to her teachers and her mother who is a single parent {and very good one}. If she doesn’t agree with anyone she tells them so. She always thinks she is right. She’s always back chatting her mother. I think her mother is at the end of her tether we don’t no what to do.