One of the first pieces of advice I got as a new mom was “not to spoil your baby.” Find out what research says CAN spoil your baby. It’s not what you think.
By today’s standards, Amanda was a young mom.
At twenty-three-years-old, she was sensitive to the fact that most of the moms around her were older and more experienced. When it came to three-month-old Mila, she really wanted to do it right.
Every Thursday she would pack up the stroller and take a bus to the health unit. On the second floor was a brightly coloured room filled with fisher price toys, blocks, and babies doing their best to roll around. Moms gathered to learn hear a public health nurse speak about different topics such as tummy time and first foods to feed your baby.
She always arrived a little late and embarrassed.
The bus dropped her off with only minutes to spare. She was always slightly sweaty from pushing the stroller uphill from the bus stop. Anxious, she would press the elevator button several times begging it to come faster.
Upstairs, she was the last to park her stroller and go in. Her entrance always seemed to turn heads. Silently, she pled that the moms in the already formed circle of chairs would let her in. Their babies were all on the padded flooring trying desperately to grab toys just out of reach. She would hold onto Mila.
She felt out of place amongst the other mothers who had established careers and long-standing marriages. They were coiffed, composed, and ready.
Despite the perceived judgment, Amanda went anyways.
After the talk, the moms would exchange stories. Every week was the same.
“Is she sleeping through the night yet?” they would ask.
Each week, Amanda would shake her head no.
“You’re holding her too much,” one mom suggested. “You can spoil your baby by doing that. She thinks she can rely on you instead of learning to self-soothe.”
This wasn’t the first time Amanda had heard this. Both of her aunts, her mother-in-law and her grandmother had warned her she was spoiling Mila.
In truth, she did hold her a lot during the day. Any time Mila so much as whined, Amanda scooped her up. Night time rolled around and Mila would wake as many as three time to nurse and, of course, be held. Because of this Mila never really cried.
Not wanting to fail her child, Amanda resolved to let her self-soothe more and hold her less.
Friday morning rolled around and Amanda didn’t respond to Mila’s whimpering or whiny. When she started to scream, Amanda did her best to hold only hold Mila until she calmed. Then she put her down the instant she stopped crying. This only devastated Mila further.
Can you spoil your baby by holding her too much? Here is what science says…
When it comes to understanding if you can spoil your baby, attachment theory is the best way to get your answer. Based on this theory, how a parent or caregiver responds to their infant determines whether a child securely attaches or not.
A parent who ignores a baby’s need for comfort or basic nurturing can lead to an insecure form of attachment. Due to a lack of responsiveness from their parents, young children either become more difficult to console or are more emotionally ambivalent. So when we leave a baby to cry, he will either become more stressed and cry more. Or, he will stop recreating and suppress his needs.
In contrast, securely attached children develop based on how reliable and consistent their caregivers are. These infants seek their parents when distressed and know they will be comforted. To read more about the different types of attachment including the different variations on insecure attachment, click here.
So, you can spoil your baby; it’s just not the way you would think
Taking the immense amount of research on attachment theory into account, spoiling a baby is possible – just not in the way the old wives tale would have us believe. An infant or young child who comes to expect their parent for security – one that has been held, hugged, and soothed often – actually becomes more independent. These young children start to view their caregivers as a secure base. Because they know their parents will be there when they need them, these kids feel empowered to venture out into their environment and, eventually, the world. Conversely, a parent who backs away from their child when their child needs them creates insecurity and uncertainty. These young children are reportedly less independent and competent.
And so, spoiling your baby is possible. And, it does become possible based on the frequency we respond to their cries and the amount we hold them. It’s just the reverse of what the old wives would have us believe. Not holding and responding to our children is proven to do more harm than help. Responding, holding and consoling our babies is, in fact, the best way to parent during this tender age.
Additional related reading for new parents
kchiavarone says
LOVE LOVE LOVE! I can’t tell you how many times I have been told this…discovering attachment parenting was the one that that really helped me as a new mom, I finally felt justified in my decision to hold my children all the time, rock them to sleep, etc. Thank you for writing this <3
Alana says
I agree. I was told so many times I was spoiling my kids or to let them cry. It went against everything in me. As you know, I’m a huge fan of all things developmental psych!
mamabyfire says
Wow. My husband and I practiced the CIO method at home with bedtime, but only to an extent. And we would never want someone else to do it with our kids. Those poor little ones! And now that mine are older that method isn’t really relevant (for us, anyway). R is going through an attachment phase with me and Bren so we’ve been trying different things, and hugs and cuddles are certainly a big part of it.
Alana says
My son was a terrible sleeper and I had controlled CIO recommended to help him learn to fall asleep and stay asleep. I was always near him, but I didn’t give in. With perfect strangers or when it’s a really young child, it’s a different story…
goodenufmommy says
Oh how I love this post. Let me count the ways..You are right on with this advice! Babies are meant to be loved and cuddled and close to you! Sing it sister! I wish I had read this earlier too!
Alana says
Thank you so much! You’re the best!
shelahmoss says
I think that if a child cries for as long as an hour that may point to another problem. Leaving your child to cry with relative strangers is different than letting them cry it out at home where they feel safe.
Alana says
Totally agree Shelah. Excellent point.
Cindy says
I feel so sad for those boys! I agree, it’s impossible to spoil a baby. They need us as parents to be there for them always.
Heather says
This is wonderful. I listened to those same “advisors” with my first child and I wish I hadn’t. I’ve held my second much closer and couldn’t be more happy with my decision. She’s 14 months and still nursing and she loves her mama. I get all of the love I could ever want. This is very well written!
CourtneyLynne says
Awwwwww poor babies!!! I was and I’m still bad about crying. I try to show tough love, but I always cave. Crying just breaks my heart! Thankfully the only time I really had to deal with this was when my daughter started her 2 yr old class and she easily adjusted after a few days.
Gracy says
I tried the cry it out method on my 5 month old son but I just couldn’t do it cause his crying was breaking my heart and I just had to cuddle him.
Babies need to be cuddled you can’t spoil them at all.
Joanna @ Motherhood and Merlot says
Love this post. I am a pro-baby holding mama (although, as I have had more children my views on this have changed slightly).
Alana says
You have such a kind heart. So are you saying you couldn’t answer EVERY SINGLE cry with four under four? Haha. I think your views changing slightly means you were doing your best when you were blessed with twins!
Sue Parke says
I absolutely love this post, and I totally agree with it. At 2 1/2 I feel confident that I know when my child truly needs me for comfort and support, or when she’s just trying to get my attention so to speak. Some people say I spoil her, maybe I do, but I like to think it’s what my grandfather always says which is that she is “loved, not spoiled.” I think it’s also important to remember that the needs for each child are different, so perhaps what might be considered spoiling one child but be exactly what another child requires. Great post! Gave me a lot to think about!
Alana says
Love this so much. She IS loved not spoiled. I’m with you. With my kids, I now when it’s genuine sadness and when it’s not reasonable. The thing is young babies aren’t trying to manipulate us with their cries. Love your comment! Thanks so much for reading <3
Kristen Hewitt says
I did cry it out for sleep training, but pretty much spoiled my kids and still do when they cry. I mean, when it’s over a piece of string, or an m&m, I have my days where I’m like, “get over it!” But I like the “base” idea. Great post!
Alana says
You needed your sleep and did what was best for you and really smart for many. Thanks so much for reading and commenting <3
nicole says
i held my children all the time – i got better arms too!
Alana says
Love this <3
Marlena Santiago says
I agree with this concept. I had my first born at a very young age. I was told by numerous people what to do and what not to do with my child. I felt like I had to sort of live up to what other people modeled as being a good parent. Their helpful “advice” added more pressure to be a good mom/parent, when what I really needed to know most is that every mom is different and it is okay to feel like you are doing something wrong because that’s how you learn to be a mom. I love my child and I think if I could go back to change anything, I wouldn’t listen to any of those people and focused more on what a joy my baby was (through the yelling/crying) and held him more and been more loving because looking back I know there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with loving your child so much and it makes you sad when they’re hurt/sad/mad and pick them up and hug them when those moments happen.
Anyways. Love your children and make sure you don’t end up feeling like you wish you had connected more with them. When they’re young is the time to show them what love is. That is a major emotion they’ll need when they’re older.
Alana says
Marlena, this is exactly how I felt. I felt so overwhelmed by people telling me what to do. Ultimately, listening to our instincts and giving our babies lots of love is all that matters. Thanks so much for reading and for your comment <3
organizedhomeschooler says
We keep the philosophy that we are always available to comfort our kids. That means we checked in with them each and every time they cried. We gave lots of snuggles and hugs. Some days I held them ALL DAY. My kids are now 8 and 11 and will stop pop over for a quick hug if they need an emotional boost, but they are completely confident children. As the old saying goes “The days are long, but the years are short.” I don’t regret a single snuggle or late night rocking chair session. I would do it all again in a heart beat.
Alana says
Wow! I couldn’t have said this better myself. I love your perspective being further down the parenting line. Thank you so much for sharing your perspective!